Don't look back, Rachel. Run. Run with all you have forward, onward, upward.
In the past three months, my life has changed. Drastically. I have been altered in such a way that it can never be undone. I will come to terms with that. I will keep running, and I won't look back. Death is all that I would see if I were to turn back, and I know that. Hopeless and black. I'm not that naive. I'm smart enough to know and calm enough to go. This could have been much easier...
But it's in the past, and I'm looking forward. My cousin got married yesterday. Bethe and Will got married last weekend. It's going to be quite a while before I'm ready for that. I know that now. I know that I want to establish my life before I decide to join it with someone else's. I will go to college, get a degree, learn how to cook all different kinds of food, live in Switzerland for a year, then maybe Australia or Ireland. Who knows? But I will go. I will run. I will fly before I nest and no one will stop me.
However, I've been thinking a lot about my wedding. Oh, you wanna know all the stuff that I'm thinking??? Okay, fine, I'll tell you. (: In my invitations I will tell all of my guests to bring a candle to the wedding and as they walk in the door of the church, they will be handed a lighting stick which they will take into the sactuary and light from a pile of fire in a dish, representing the fire of God, and from there light their candle. Then they will place their lit candles at the front of the stage so that when the process is complete the front of the stage will be lined will candles lit by everyone that I love and care about and that means something to me and my soon to be husband. (:
Then, I think that instead of carrying a bouquet, I may just carry a candle of my own with my father and my mother on my sides. (The grooms candle will be lit, as will mine be lit as I walk towards him, then we will meet and go together to light our unity candle and sybolically start our lives together. Also, I think that throughout the entirety of the seromony that myself and my future husband will stand at least a yard apart, so that when the pastor says, "you may now kiss your bride," there's a little bit of a suspence build up before it.
So, now you know that you probably won't want to miss my wedding. Why? Because there's a good chance that I'll burn the church down and tackle my newly wed husband right there on the stage. Talk about a GRAND FINALE! Haha (: Ohhhh dear, I have so many thoughts and hopes...
I've got to watch the girls tomorrow. Then, I'm going to Norman to get my phone looked at and fixed and to buy Call Of Duty, maybe. And sometime inbetween everything I need to write my essay and some articles. Welp, so much for a three day weekend! Good night, sweet world.
<3
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I need to work on my couragousness.
Who am I? I am a child of the Lord. Sooooo, that means I shouldn't allow myself to be bullied right??? RIGHT! However, I am. My mom told me this evening that if I wanted her to come up to the school and punch her that she would. Wow. My mom is offering to beat up a girl for me... Should I feel appreciative, or super lame. Well, I feel both I guess. I let her make me so uncomfortable that I had to leave on Thursday before the class I have her in. I'm having a really hard time looking past everything and just ignoring her like I'd LOVE to. My human heart just won't let go though. I hate grudges and hard feelings. I hate that she doesn't like me. Everyone likes me. It's driving me absolutely bonkers. I need lots of focused prayer and contentment. She can't get me. The Lord is my rock and I WILL stand strong. :D
On to lighter and more FUN topics! I went to a wedding in Texas this weekend and it was incredible! I got to go to rehersal dinner and give William and Bethe both their presents and they loved them. (: I was pretty proud that I made them both. People should make their presents more often. People should make things in general more often. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and pride that really can't be beaten. I loved it. (: I made Bethe a little notebook with the cutest design all over it and I wrote a little note to her on the inside. And then for Will, I made him a playlist of songs that he will deffinately NEEEED as he gets married, and then I wrote a two page long letter to him that contained the explaination for each song in it.
That was incredible in itself to see them and be there and watch their slide show and stuff. I bawled. BUT THEN, the next day, my cousin Sarah did Bethe's hair and one of her brides maid's, so I got invited over to her house to just hang out and what not. I'm telling you, it was so much fun. I got to talk to everyone from the bridal party, see her before and after, talk to the photographers, eat delivered chick-fil-a, and now I'm having deja vu as I write this... Creepy. Okay, well I didn't eat any, but I was offered it which made me feel a part. I don't know, it was just cool. (:
Then it was time for the wedding, and everyone transformed into these glorious beings so we could attend this glorious wedding, which it was. It was held in TCU's chappel, very simply decorated. Her dress was beautiful, their vows and letters were beautiful, the service was beatiful, their commitment to the Lord was beautiful, Will was even beautiful. I needed this wedding more than probably anyone realizes. It encouraged me to remember the hope I once had for my future husband. I've regained that hope. I know that it may be a long time before I meet him, and for my sake, I hope that it is. I have a lot of living and growing up to do before I join myself with someone else. Bethe and Will are two incredible people, and she was 32 and he was 28 before they finally found eachother. Why in the world have I been rushing?! I've got PLENTY of time for that. I'm going to soak up being single. I'm going to draw nearer to the Lord and focus on what I want to do with my life and I couldn't be more excited! God is good, amen? (:
Anyways, I bawled twice as hard at the wedding; I loved it to pieces. It made me so incredibly happy for both of them that they have found such a secure relationship and foundation in the Lord. THEN, okay? THEEEEENN there was the reception, which was held and the Bass Hall in Downtown Fort Worth. Ever been? Yeah, they hold proms there; it was huge and fancy and a lot nicer than I could ever hope for mine to be. They had a buffet, and three different flavors of cake balls and this awesome punch. Lol There was a bar and a dance floor with a DJ, and all kinds of people to wait on your hand and foot. I tell you what, I think I'm gonna be a wedding planner. Oh yeah, definately an option.
Needless to say, I'm kind of exhausted. I got home today at like two, went to sleep, woke up at 7:30. Had some chilli, watched some TV, applied online for Walgreens (yay...), and now I'm on here talking to you lovely people! (;
The moral of the story is folks, don't forget what love is really about, and don't lose hope in it either. <3
On to lighter and more FUN topics! I went to a wedding in Texas this weekend and it was incredible! I got to go to rehersal dinner and give William and Bethe both their presents and they loved them. (: I was pretty proud that I made them both. People should make their presents more often. People should make things in general more often. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and pride that really can't be beaten. I loved it. (: I made Bethe a little notebook with the cutest design all over it and I wrote a little note to her on the inside. And then for Will, I made him a playlist of songs that he will deffinately NEEEED as he gets married, and then I wrote a two page long letter to him that contained the explaination for each song in it.
That was incredible in itself to see them and be there and watch their slide show and stuff. I bawled. BUT THEN, the next day, my cousin Sarah did Bethe's hair and one of her brides maid's, so I got invited over to her house to just hang out and what not. I'm telling you, it was so much fun. I got to talk to everyone from the bridal party, see her before and after, talk to the photographers, eat delivered chick-fil-a, and now I'm having deja vu as I write this... Creepy. Okay, well I didn't eat any, but I was offered it which made me feel a part. I don't know, it was just cool. (:
Then it was time for the wedding, and everyone transformed into these glorious beings so we could attend this glorious wedding, which it was. It was held in TCU's chappel, very simply decorated. Her dress was beautiful, their vows and letters were beautiful, the service was beatiful, their commitment to the Lord was beautiful, Will was even beautiful. I needed this wedding more than probably anyone realizes. It encouraged me to remember the hope I once had for my future husband. I've regained that hope. I know that it may be a long time before I meet him, and for my sake, I hope that it is. I have a lot of living and growing up to do before I join myself with someone else. Bethe and Will are two incredible people, and she was 32 and he was 28 before they finally found eachother. Why in the world have I been rushing?! I've got PLENTY of time for that. I'm going to soak up being single. I'm going to draw nearer to the Lord and focus on what I want to do with my life and I couldn't be more excited! God is good, amen? (:
Anyways, I bawled twice as hard at the wedding; I loved it to pieces. It made me so incredibly happy for both of them that they have found such a secure relationship and foundation in the Lord. THEN, okay? THEEEEENN there was the reception, which was held and the Bass Hall in Downtown Fort Worth. Ever been? Yeah, they hold proms there; it was huge and fancy and a lot nicer than I could ever hope for mine to be. They had a buffet, and three different flavors of cake balls and this awesome punch. Lol There was a bar and a dance floor with a DJ, and all kinds of people to wait on your hand and foot. I tell you what, I think I'm gonna be a wedding planner. Oh yeah, definately an option.
Needless to say, I'm kind of exhausted. I got home today at like two, went to sleep, woke up at 7:30. Had some chilli, watched some TV, applied online for Walgreens (yay...), and now I'm on here talking to you lovely people! (;
The moral of the story is folks, don't forget what love is really about, and don't lose hope in it either. <3
Thursday, December 30, 2010
It's funny how you don't realize certian things,
Until you are in a situation that pertains to the thing you didn't realize. Like for instance, I didn't realize how good the human mind was of spinning a web of lies to trick itself. We, as people, are so good at fooling ourselves into thinking that we believe something we no isn't.
I've come to the conclusion that relationships get confusing for pretty much one reason: selfishness. Here's why, God and love are everything but selfish, right? And God takes no part of confusion. So it's reasonable to say that this is true. Also, for me and in my situation, I knew that the relationship was hopeless. Honestly, I did. But I wanted so badly for it to work because despite how messed up he was, he really loved me. He loved me more than I could ever hope for anyone to love me, even if it was with a love that I didn't really want. I was too selfish and wanted that love too much to see past him into the fact that it wasn't right. It wasn't right at all.
My hope in love and in my capacity to love and in my ability to have a lasting relationship is now restored, for those of you who have been concerned about that. (: God is so good. He brings such a clarity and such a relief that my heart desparately thirsts for. Thank you to all of you who have stood by my side faithfully, I owe you my sanity and my heart. I'm undeserving of the blessings my God has bestowed upon me. (:
<3<3<3
I've come to the conclusion that relationships get confusing for pretty much one reason: selfishness. Here's why, God and love are everything but selfish, right? And God takes no part of confusion. So it's reasonable to say that this is true. Also, for me and in my situation, I knew that the relationship was hopeless. Honestly, I did. But I wanted so badly for it to work because despite how messed up he was, he really loved me. He loved me more than I could ever hope for anyone to love me, even if it was with a love that I didn't really want. I was too selfish and wanted that love too much to see past him into the fact that it wasn't right. It wasn't right at all.
My hope in love and in my capacity to love and in my ability to have a lasting relationship is now restored, for those of you who have been concerned about that. (: God is so good. He brings such a clarity and such a relief that my heart desparately thirsts for. Thank you to all of you who have stood by my side faithfully, I owe you my sanity and my heart. I'm undeserving of the blessings my God has bestowed upon me. (:
<3<3<3
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Be Warned, Love is Fatal.
There's this little thing called love that is very real and extremely explosive. It will grab a hold of you and it doesn't like to let you go. It will invade your brain and it will become a part of you like nothing else can. It will seep into places in your heart that you didn't know you had. It will take you over, completely consume you, become fused to the person that you are. And when it ends, even if it is for the best, the person you are will be totally obliterated. You see because it doesn't much matter if the relationship is meant to be or not, while it is, and while you are falling, it's true love that you experience all the same. All the same sparks and all the same bone deep thoughts and passions are there. All of them. The thing that's different is what's at the end of the fuse. Is it a fire cracker or dynamite? Will it be the highlight of your life, or what ends it? Will it be what sustains you, or what destroys you. I'm being destroyed by my own love as we speak. Admittedly, this is what I chose.
Can I ask you a question? Do you think that I can hold onto him and continue to hope for the situation without losing my sanity?
Dear God, what have I done to myself?
Can I ask you a question? Do you think that I can hold onto him and continue to hope for the situation without losing my sanity?
Dear God, what have I done to myself?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Realizations...
I've realized some things lately, and it's not that I didn't exactly know these things before, but they have just surfaced and grabbed my attention lately.
-I've realized just how truely amazing my best friends are and how blessed I am to have them in my life because Lord knows where I'd be without them.
-I've realized that I'm not as smart as I think I am, ever.
-I've realized that my happiness is more important than I think.
-I've realized that Christmas time is exciting and wonderful and still my favorite ever, but it's still just a time and that life doesn't stop slapping you in the face just because it's Christmas.
-I've realized that my family is probably more messed up, but at the same time closer than most families out there.
-I've realized that a clean room leads to a clear mind.
-I've realized that no matter how far or fast I run, I can't get away from who I am.
-And I've realized that I don't really want to... <3
-I've realized just how truely amazing my best friends are and how blessed I am to have them in my life because Lord knows where I'd be without them.
-I've realized that I'm not as smart as I think I am, ever.
-I've realized that my happiness is more important than I think.
-I've realized that Christmas time is exciting and wonderful and still my favorite ever, but it's still just a time and that life doesn't stop slapping you in the face just because it's Christmas.
-I've realized that my family is probably more messed up, but at the same time closer than most families out there.
-I've realized that a clean room leads to a clear mind.
-I've realized that no matter how far or fast I run, I can't get away from who I am.
-And I've realized that I don't really want to... <3
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sooooooo,
My life has been too full of things to get on here lately for reasons most of you know about... (: Just you wait till I have my laptop, blogger. Just you wait. I will spend much more time with your lovely self then.
I love my life right now. I'm so beyond happy. (((:
Rachie<3
I love my life right now. I'm so beyond happy. (((:
Rachie<3
Monday, November 1, 2010
My Ridiculously Wonderful Life ((:
**Disclaimer: If you are easily irritated by other people's semi-stuckupness, then you may not want to read this particular blog post. Or, if you deside to anyways, please do me the favor of not complaining about it in any shape or form. Thanks. (: **
I'm going to relish in my victory because I think I should be able to. I was placed in the top 30 drama students of the state this Friday by making the All State Cast at One Act Contest. We truly kicked butt. Then, the next day, I went to All State Choir tryouts and I was the only one to make it to the second round tryouts from my high school. I feel so accomplished. And then today and tomorrow, I'm at ECOCDA, which I'm starting to realize is completely amazing as well! I couldn't be happier, except for that I am because I aquired a boyfriend yesterday. How cool do you have to be to start dating someone on Halloween?? Lol pretty darn cool in my opinion. Lol I'm sorry, I am. I don't want to sound... Full of my self, I guess. But I have to have an outlet so I don't unleash these thoughts in public.
Screww it, I'm gonna go dance with my best friend. There will be more to come. (:
Just kidding, I'm not going to add to this. I feel like I summed up what I wanted to say. ECOCDA was amazing. There is nothing like that feeling of singing in that place. So beautiful. Best friend, yeah I've decided that you're my compass. Without you, I'd be completely lost. I love you and thank you for putting up with me. <3(:
I'm going to relish in my victory because I think I should be able to. I was placed in the top 30 drama students of the state this Friday by making the All State Cast at One Act Contest. We truly kicked butt. Then, the next day, I went to All State Choir tryouts and I was the only one to make it to the second round tryouts from my high school. I feel so accomplished. And then today and tomorrow, I'm at ECOCDA, which I'm starting to realize is completely amazing as well! I couldn't be happier, except for that I am because I aquired a boyfriend yesterday. How cool do you have to be to start dating someone on Halloween?? Lol pretty darn cool in my opinion. Lol I'm sorry, I am. I don't want to sound... Full of my self, I guess. But I have to have an outlet so I don't unleash these thoughts in public.
Screww it, I'm gonna go dance with my best friend. There will be more to come. (:
Just kidding, I'm not going to add to this. I feel like I summed up what I wanted to say. ECOCDA was amazing. There is nothing like that feeling of singing in that place. So beautiful. Best friend, yeah I've decided that you're my compass. Without you, I'd be completely lost. I love you and thank you for putting up with me. <3(:
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