Don't look back.

Don't look back, Rachel. Run. Run with all you have forward, onward, upward.

In the past three months, my life has changed. Drastically. I have been altered in such a way that it can never be undone. I will come to terms with that. I will keep running, and I won't look back. Death is all that I would see if I were to turn back, and I know that. Hopeless and black. I'm not that naive. I'm smart enough to know and calm enough to go. This could have been much easier...

But it's in the past, and I'm looking forward. My cousin got married yesterday. Bethe and Will got married last weekend. It's going to be quite a while before I'm ready for that. I know that now. I know that I want to establish my life before I decide to join it with someone else's. I will go to college, get a degree, learn how to cook all different kinds of food, live in Switzerland for a year, then maybe Australia or Ireland. Who knows? But I will go. I will run. I will fly before I nest and no one will stop me.

However, I've been thinking a lot about my wedding. Oh, you wanna know all the stuff that I'm thinking??? Okay, fine, I'll tell you. (: In my invitations I will tell all of my guests to bring a candle to the wedding and as they walk in the door of the church, they will be handed a lighting stick which they will take into the sactuary and light from a pile of fire in a dish, representing the fire of God, and from there light their candle. Then they will place their lit candles at the front of the stage so that when the process is complete the front of the stage will be lined will candles lit by everyone that I love and care about and that means something to me and my soon to be husband. (:

Then, I think that instead of carrying a bouquet, I may just carry a candle of my own with my father and my mother on my sides. (The grooms candle will be lit, as will mine be lit as I walk towards him, then we will meet and go together to light our unity candle and sybolically start our lives together. Also, I think that throughout the entirety of the seromony that myself and my future husband will stand at least a yard apart, so that when the pastor says, "you may now kiss your bride," there's a little bit of a suspence build up before it.

So, now you know that you probably won't want to miss my wedding. Why? Because there's a good chance that I'll burn the church down and tackle my newly wed husband right there on the stage. Talk about a GRAND FINALE! Haha (: Ohhhh dear, I have so many thoughts and hopes...

I've got to watch the girls tomorrow. Then, I'm going to Norman to get my phone looked at and fixed and to buy Call Of Duty, maybe. And sometime inbetween everything I need to write my essay and some articles. Welp, so much for a three day weekend! Good night, sweet world.

<3

I need to work on my couragousness.

Who am I? I am a child of the Lord. Sooooo, that means I shouldn't allow myself to be bullied right??? RIGHT! However, I am. My mom told me this evening that if I wanted her to come up to the school and punch her that she would. Wow. My mom is offering to beat up a girl for me... Should I feel appreciative, or super lame. Well, I feel both I guess. I let her make me so uncomfortable that I had to leave on Thursday before the class I have her in. I'm having a really hard time looking past everything and just ignoring her like I'd LOVE to. My human heart just won't let go though. I hate grudges and hard feelings. I hate that she doesn't like me. Everyone likes me. It's driving me absolutely bonkers. I need lots of focused prayer and contentment. She can't get me. The Lord is my rock and I WILL stand strong. :D

On to lighter and more FUN topics! I went to a wedding in Texas this weekend and it was incredible! I got to go to rehersal dinner and give William and Bethe both their presents and they loved them. (: I was pretty proud that I made them both. People should make their presents more often. People should make things in general more often. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and pride that really can't be beaten. I loved it. (: I made Bethe a little notebook with the cutest design all over it and I wrote a little note to her on the inside. And then for Will, I made him a playlist of songs that he will deffinately NEEEED as he gets married, and then I wrote a two page long letter to him that contained the explaination for each song in it.

That was incredible in itself to see them and be there and watch their slide show and stuff. I bawled. BUT THEN, the next day, my cousin Sarah did Bethe's hair and one of her brides maid's, so I got invited over to her house to just hang out and what not. I'm telling you, it was so much fun. I got to talk to everyone from the bridal party, see her before and after, talk to the photographers, eat delivered chick-fil-a, and now I'm having deja vu as I write this... Creepy. Okay, well I didn't eat any, but I was offered it which made me feel a part. I don't know, it was just cool. (:

Then it was time for the wedding, and everyone transformed into these glorious beings so we could attend this glorious wedding, which it was. It was held in TCU's chappel, very simply decorated. Her dress was beautiful, their vows and letters were beautiful, the service was beatiful, their commitment to the Lord was beautiful, Will was even beautiful. I needed this wedding more than probably anyone realizes. It encouraged me to remember the hope I once had for my future husband. I've regained that hope. I know that it may be a long time before I meet him, and for my sake, I hope that it is. I have a lot of living and growing up to do before I join myself with someone else. Bethe and Will are two incredible people, and she was 32 and he was 28 before they finally found eachother. Why in the world have I been rushing?! I've got PLENTY of time for that. I'm going to soak up being single. I'm going to draw nearer to the Lord and focus on what I want to do with my life and I couldn't be more excited! God is good, amen? (:

Anyways, I bawled twice as hard at the wedding; I loved it to pieces. It made me so incredibly happy for both of them that they have found such a secure relationship and foundation in the Lord. THEN, okay? THEEEEENN there was the reception, which was held and the Bass Hall in Downtown Fort Worth. Ever been? Yeah, they hold proms there; it was huge and fancy and a lot nicer than I could ever hope for mine to be. They had a buffet, and three different flavors of cake balls and this awesome punch. Lol There was a bar and a dance floor with a DJ, and all kinds of people to wait on your hand and foot. I tell you what, I think I'm gonna be a wedding planner. Oh yeah, definately an option.

Needless to say, I'm kind of exhausted. I got home today at like two, went to sleep, woke up at 7:30. Had some chilli, watched some TV, applied online for Walgreens (yay...), and now I'm on here talking to you lovely people! (;

The moral of the story is folks, don't forget what love is really about, and don't lose hope in it either. <3

It's funny how you don't realize certian things,

Until you are in a situation that pertains to the thing you didn't realize. Like for instance, I didn't realize how good the human mind was of spinning a web of lies to trick itself. We, as people, are so good at fooling ourselves into thinking that we believe something we no isn't.

I've come to the conclusion that relationships get confusing for pretty much one reason: selfishness. Here's why, God and love are everything but selfish, right? And God takes no part of confusion. So it's reasonable to say that this is true. Also, for me and in my situation, I knew that the relationship was hopeless. Honestly, I did. But I wanted so badly for it to work because despite how messed up he was, he really loved me. He loved me more than I could ever hope for anyone to love me, even if it was with a love that I didn't really want. I was too selfish and wanted that love too much to see past him into the fact that it wasn't right. It wasn't right at all.

My hope in love and in my capacity to love and in my ability to have a lasting relationship is now restored, for those of you who have been concerned about that. (: God is so good. He brings such a clarity and such a relief that my heart desparately thirsts for. Thank you to all of you who have stood by my side faithfully, I owe you my sanity and my heart. I'm undeserving of the blessings my God has bestowed upon me. (:

<3<3<3

Be Warned, Love is Fatal.

There's this little thing called love that is very real and extremely explosive. It will grab a hold of you and it doesn't like to let you go. It will invade your brain and it will become a part of you like nothing else can. It will seep into places in your heart that you didn't know you had. It will take you over, completely consume you, become fused to the person that you are. And when it ends, even if it is for the best, the person you are will be totally obliterated. You see because it doesn't much matter if the relationship is meant to be or not, while it is, and while you are falling, it's true love that you experience all the same. All the same sparks and all the same bone deep thoughts and passions are there. All of them. The thing that's different is what's at the end of the fuse. Is it a fire cracker or dynamite? Will it be the highlight of your life, or what ends it? Will it be what sustains you, or what destroys you. I'm being destroyed by my own love as we speak. Admittedly, this is what I chose.

Can I ask you a question? Do you think that I can hold onto him and continue to hope for the situation without losing my sanity?

Dear God, what have I done to myself?

Realizations...

I've realized some things lately, and it's not that I didn't exactly know these things before, but they have just surfaced and grabbed my attention lately.

-I've realized just how truely amazing my best friends are and how blessed I am to have them in my life because Lord knows where I'd be without them.

-I've realized that I'm not as smart as I think I am, ever.

-I've realized that my happiness is more important than I think.

-I've realized that Christmas time is exciting and wonderful and still my favorite ever, but it's still just a time and that life doesn't stop slapping you in the face just because it's Christmas.

-I've realized that my family is probably more messed up, but at the same time closer than most families out there.

-I've realized that a clean room leads to a clear mind.

-I've realized that no matter how far or fast I run, I can't get away from who I am.

-And I've realized that I don't really want to... <3

Sooooooo,

My life has been too full of things to get on here lately for reasons most of you know about... (: Just you wait till I have my laptop, blogger. Just you wait. I will spend much more time with your lovely self then.

I love my life right now. I'm so beyond happy. (((:

Rachie<3

My Ridiculously Wonderful Life ((:

**Disclaimer: If you are easily irritated by other people's semi-stuckupness, then you may not want to read this particular blog post. Or, if you deside to anyways, please do me the favor of not complaining about it in any shape or form. Thanks. (: **

I'm going to relish in my victory because I think I should be able to. I was placed in the top 30 drama students of the state this Friday by making the All State Cast at One Act Contest. We truly kicked butt. Then, the next day, I went to All State Choir tryouts and I was the only one to make it to the second round tryouts from my high school. I feel so accomplished. And then today and tomorrow, I'm at ECOCDA, which I'm starting to realize is completely amazing as well! I couldn't be happier, except for that I am because I aquired a boyfriend yesterday. How cool do you have to be to start dating someone on Halloween?? Lol pretty darn cool in my opinion. Lol I'm sorry, I am. I don't want to sound... Full of my self, I guess. But I have to have an outlet so I don't unleash these thoughts in public.

Screww it, I'm gonna go dance with my best friend. There will be more to come. (:

Just kidding, I'm not going to add to this. I feel like I summed up what I wanted to say. ECOCDA was amazing. There is nothing like that feeling of singing in that place. So beautiful. Best friend, yeah I've decided that you're my compass. Without you, I'd be completely lost. I love you and thank you for putting up with me. <3(:

We. Are. Going. To. State.

I don't think that anyone in my life truly understands how overly happy and excited I am about this. Zack might. The first thing Mrs. Queen told me after we striked the stage was, "I felt like I was watching a broadway play." We came alive on that stage; it was magical. I've never ever done anything like that and it went pretty close to perfectly. You know that feeling you get once you accomplish something that you had no clue you could actually accomplish? Yeah, I got that. I feel like I could really puch myself and be on broadway if I wanted. Do you know how incredible that would be? The feeling you get when you are on that stage is something that cannot be replaced by anything else. It's better than any drug or high. One of the best movies that describes this feeling is "Me and Orson Wells".



In one scene, Orson says, "I recognize the look: the bone deep understanding that your life is so utterly without meaning that simply to survive you have to reinvent yourself. Because if people can't find you, they can't dislike you. You see, if I can be Brutus for 90 minutes tonight- I mean, really be him, from the inside out- then for 90 minutes I get this miraculous reprive from being myself. That's what you see in every great actor's eyes."

It's like waking from a dream. You come off the stage and are jolted back into reality with a soft but startling release of energy. The adrenaline that you run on is ridiculously concuming. The accomplishment and satisfaction that you recieve for succeeding in something that you worked so hard towards is overwhelming. And it's not just the feeling of satisfaction or the emotional high that it gives you that makes it as good as it is. The other thing that makes it worth while is the crowd: the laughs, the applause, the gasps and sighs, the quiet parts, and the congradulations and commendments recieved afterwards. All these things are what really seal the deal.

Which leads me back into my princess thing. The day of homecoming, I felt like a princess: nothing less. Yesterday, I felt like a queen: nothing less. And sure it makes me feel important and loved and appreciated, and maybe I do enjoy the limelight too much. However, I do not see the harm in taking pleasure in being noticed. I do not see anything wrong with letting myself feel like royalty. Every girl should experience that feeling of admiration and beauty. (: Every girl should get to be a princess. My heart is in this. My passion is devoted, and I'm am so excited to see where the wind will blow me if I'll let it.

Here are my recent accomplishments and dreams:
-Yesterday, our One-Act recieved Second Place at Regionals and is being sent on to the state competition, which is being held on the 29th for the those of you who would like to attend. [I would like to mind you that we (a public, underfunded arts, school) ranked second to Classen (a highly funded arts school, dedicated to performing arts). All I have to say is: Pin Stripes...]

-Additionally, I recieved the second slot on the All Star Cast! I'm extremely excited about this as well. (:

-Lastly, I feel very honored that Tyler Heilaman called me last night and wanted to inform Zack and I about Courts Mountain.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone and anyone who has been a supporter through this.
My heart is smiling. (:
<3

My life is never ending...

So, people don't really read my blog right? Not a lot of people anyways. Let me tell you about my night then. It was wonderful, for the most part. The game was a good one, even though we lost. I got to hang out with fun people, which is fun. And Nathan, sweet, cute, adorable, little Nathan, texted me all night... But of course... I went to IHOP and who shows up after his the concert that he didn't invite me to? Bryce. It's not bad enough that he was there, filling up the limelight and making everyone happy, including me. He was also talked about the entire night by the group of guys I was with. They kept raving about how cool he was and how much they all loved him. Truth is, I still love him too. Continuing, the guy who drove him to the concert was baked, absolutly cooked to a crisp. So, being the good person that I am, I said yes when he asked me to drive him home. Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. Well, that's not entirely true. Do you want to know what happened? I was reminded of why I let myself secretly give him my heart. All the emotions and feelings and desires and longings and pure love I have for that kid, surfaced. He thanked me a billion times for being the best, and then he climbed out of the car, and then I drove home, by myself, crying, at two in the morning. Sob sob sob, rachel. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, you little high school drama queen. You know what? I will, thank you very much. I don't really care that I'm just in high school. That's completely irrelevant. I don't really care that everyone thinks I shouldn't place this much weight on him or an ended relationship. Because I do, and that's not really by choice. I just do. I cannot help how I feel or act or am.

I am shreaded, quite honestly, and I have no clue where to go from here...
Sleep sweet, gentle reader.

Nothing is clear.

No matter how hard you try, there will always be things that you don't understand, things you think you understand that you clearly don't, and things that you don't think you understand that you probably do more than you realize.

I've excepted the fact that I'm not right a lot of the time. I do know that. You know what, though? I'm okay with it. (:

I'm not saying that I'm not going to try to do my best to be the person I need to be in this life. What I'm saying is that I won't spend my whole life attempting to alter the person I know that I am. I was created this way for a particular purpose, and instead of changing for my own personal purposes, I'm going to run with who I am and see where the wind takes me.

Uncertainty is thrilling.

I'm going to go on a date with myself this evening. (:
I'm thinking: Chinese, shopping, and a movie.

P.S. The whole "princess" thing is so underrated. I'll blog about that on a later date.

Here goes nothing...

I'm letting go of who I used to be
I'm letting go of things I want to see
I'm letting go of people's expectations
I'm letting go of meaningless, vain frustrations

Lol, alright. I'm done. I'll come back and add to that later I guess. I need some blog time. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This week has been insane. I'm so tired. I need some serious rest. Yoga? Yes. I told Mrs. Queen that I'd sit with her at the game. (: Lol I love that woman so much. I don't care what people say; she's amazing. Eeeeeeek! Tomorrow! It's tomorrow. I'm so extremely exited. CRAP! I have to go roll my hair. Hahaha, I'm gonna have to have some sleeping pills tonight.

BYE

P.S. My version of love the way you lie is going to be incredible. I'm excited. (:

Do you want to know why I blog?

Writing is a huge part of my life. In a nutshell, that's it. I love writing with all my heart, but most of the time (whether it be for the paper, or for a class, or in a note for someone else, or whatever it may be for) I feel the need to be extremely nit picky about what it looks like and how it reads. Not that I don't feel the need to be like that here, it's just that I don't have to. Here, I am because I want to. In my mind, there's a HUGE difference there. Additionally, I like talking to people. I like trying to manipulate my image into what I want it to look like, and if I have no one to project that image to, then really, what's the use? You know? I get excited about what's going on in my life; it's important to me. It may not be to you, and that's fine. I'm coming to the point at which I don't particularly like hiding who I know that I am. However, that doesn't mean that I can't moderate how I behave when I need to. I hate dumb situations. I'm getting off track, which perfectly leads into my next point. I don't have to keep myself on track. I can be as random as I please, when I blog. Most of the time, outside of my world of blogging, I feel uncomfortable with being my cooky random self. I feel as if I have to reign in all of my absurdness. Here, not at all! I can jump from one thing to the next and you can't say a... Do you feel like you're in a movie sometimes? I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside sometimes. I love those moments.

My head is getting ready to explode, and there's like one person who is on the verge of setting me off, and another on the verge of breaking me down.

Life is gloriously unstopping.
Sleep pretty, fellow blog lovers.
(:

I realized this evening that I have a terrible addiction.

I've realized that I'm very much so addicted to solitude. I knew that I thrived off of it before, but now I know that it behaves and breathes like an addiction. The more I'm alone, the more I want to be alone. The longer I'm alone, the harder it is to be around people again. And the more space I have to be alone (example: having the whole house to myself vs. having to go to my room), the more intensely I can become myself. Revelation: (You know, this is why I blog, because when I disect what I type I discover things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise.) Maybe that's how I'll know when I've found "the right guy". Maybe I'll know when I can feel like I'm in solitude with him, when I can be myself as much with him as I can be by myself, when he holds me without sufficating me, when he smuthers me fittingly... Wow.

Running through my lines this evening was an event. I went straight through, successfully not looking, and afterwards was plunged into a valley of tears so deep that my mother conceeded to letting me skip church. I'm chalking it up to PMS, however, I've gathered a new respect and reverence for actors and my acting ability after that little melt down. It is such an emotionally exhausting exercize, yet so very worth it.

When is the rough draft due? That's a great question to be asking 30 hours (I will be forever cursed by the term "naked numbers".) from class time. The one class I had homework in, got neglected, but for very understandable reasons. I'm really excited about this essay, actually. I'm more excited about cider house rules though. I have to forcfully carve out time to make a noticable dent in that book this week. I love it. **Sucks back what was almost typed** I will save those rantings for their designated blog. HOWEVER!
Hehehe(: I feel like such a cheeseball for loving this show with the intensity that I do, but GLEE started last week. Have you seen it yet? Have you? OH, my Lord, it brought me to tears. It always does. I've missed it immensely.

Off to do more reading, following some english, I suppose.
Goodnight, Lovely Readers.

"Do you know what I'm going to do now? Do you have ANY idea?" -Roy

I'm going to look up information on concurrent enrollment and online high school classes because "a certian teacher" is driving me insane (and I drive myself insane plenty; I don't need her help) and I can't learn a foriegn language in the environment that I'm in now (God bless Mr. Wakeman). Yeah. So, there's that. Also, I'm going to finish my layout for the notebook order form. I'm excited. OH! And can't forget: I'm going to take a long, hot, luxerious, candle-lit, bubble bath and then paint my toes. AND THEN, I'm going to attempt to finish memorizing my lines. I have a long night ahead of me. I'm pumped. Ha, I probably should include the homework I have to do in this list... But... I'm going with stuco tomorrow; I don't necessarily care. (:

"Average"

I know that I'm doing daily entries in my blog below this, but I needed a new canvas to paint on for this. I feel so cursed by the word "average". If you see me and know me at all, you know that I love the odd and extraordinary. Ordinary, average... These things aren't for me. Yet, there are so many things in my life that confine me to these descriptions. Also, (and you may not see this as something that needs to be referred to with an also, but I do) I gravitate toward "weird people". I like them and and admire them and find them much, much more interesting than "normal" people. However, I don't feel like I belong with them. I don't feel that I'm welcome or that I fit in, which is totally backwards... But that's exactly how it is. You see? I don't like video games. (Typical) I'm making B's in half of my classes. (Average) I come from devorsed parents. (Typical) I have brown hair and eyes. (Ordinary) And, what I'm mainly uneased about, I've never been in a relationship for more than two months. (Extremely Average) Surveys indicate that the average high school relationship lasts for... OH YEAH! Two months. Surprise. Maybe I shouldn't be concerned. I mean, it doesn't mean that I couldn't handle a relationship for longer than that. Does it? I don't think so, but I also don't know, and I hate that. It's just really bugging me right now. I don't feel like I "belong" anywhere. I mean, at times, I do. But not always, gentle reader. Not always. (Andrea, if you ever read this; yes, I stole that from you. Lol(; )

Random thought #1: I'm so desperate for winter. (:

Random thought #2: Boys are dumb. (Except for that they aren't.)

"The Cider House Rules" (Concrete vs. Jello) P.S. This will be updated daily-ish.

9.13.10
I have experienced and connected with too much of love and life to except any set standard of what I should and shouldn't believe. The depths and heights of seemingly simple issues are far too great and too complex for me to claim to understand and have a stance on. In my mind, putting yourself in any one concrete place paints you as a fool on one plane or another. So, then, would it not be the wiser option to obstain from placing one's self in any kind of belief system all together? When there is no right or wrong answer, why do we feel the need to answer at all? If there is no correct answer, wouldn't that in turn mean that any answer at all is incorrect? Maybe it's that people define themselves and find there worth in what they believe. People put themselves in the position to be defined by what they believe instead of by who they really are. This, to me, is a sad mistake. I'm not discrediting having beliefs, because, yes, I have mine. All I'm suggesting is that making concrete decisions about things that are more like jello perhaps gets in the way of what's really important. And what's really important?... Well, I won't get concrete about that. (:


I'm going to read The Cider House Rules. Which, I might add, inspired this blog. Just remember: nothing is one sided.

9.14.10
This blog was originally a mere thought inspired by The Cider House Rules. I'm now going to turn it into a series of thoughts because it's a very multifaceted book over an extremely multifaceted subject. So, I'll be posting my thoughts and reactions to this book daily. If you haven't read the book and plan to, you may not want to read all of this. Also, if you're going to hate me for my views on this sensitive issue, you may not want to read it either.

I walked into this book with a pretty solid belief that abortion (as a general rule) is wrong. Meaning that for me, personally, I would never have an abortion. It's just not in me to do something like that. However, I have never been blind to the uncontrolable circumstances that happen to rise every now and again. For some, I do believe it to be an exceptable option. And it all goes back to your motives, just like everything else does. I don't believe that a mother should abort her unborn child for selfish reasons, but if the mother truly believes that having her child would be a tortuous and painful for all involved, I don't see the harm in trying to prevent that kind of brokenness. Towards the very beginning of the novel, Irving writes, "For whom did some minds insist that babies, even clearly unwanted ones, must be brought, screaming, into the world?" If you've ever read this novel, you know that he speaks volumes of the brokenness that the would-have-been-mother goes through, as well. You see? This isn't light. This topic hurts and pains itself through to the core. I know that to fully touch the heart of this novel, I'll have to read it more than once, and really, that's why I'm doing this. I feel like documenting my thoughts on it will help me process it and digest it more effectively. So, till tomorrow. (:

9.15.10
I actually haven't had any time to read a single word of my book today. However, I'm still going to post something. I want to talk about this, or rather blog about how this makes me feel and what it makes me think about, every day. My mind needs it in order to wrap itself around this. Topic on the mind: death. My Pappaw has been diagnosed with cancer today. Severe. Cancer. Today, abortion seems cruel. (I love how my heart confuses my mind. Let me tell you, it's grand...) Think about it: the baby being aborted could possibly be the next Martin Luther King, or Oprah(like we need more of her), but you know what I mean. No person, or potential person should be denied life, especially when they have no say in the matter. Denying someone the chance to live before they ever have a say in the matter... That's cruel. Plan and simple. At the same time, I can see where it's a little bit crazy. The baby hasn't been born yet. It has no memory of this tiny existance. I mean, okay. Guys, this is gross. If you're not comfortable with girl stuff, stop reading. Alright, when I first started my period I always felt bad for the unfertilized eggs, potential babies, running though my system. Crazy right? Seriously though, I was brought to tears on a number of occations. Hysterical. Ridiculous. Unrealistic. Yes, it was all of these things. However, it still... Was. You know? I feel like there are very few people who can actually connect with and understand what I'm saying. Half the time, I don't even finish my thought. The other half the time, my thought is totally and completely off the wall. THE END(of today).

9.17.10
Sadness. I didn't get to post yesterday. Or read. Crap. This is why I don't read: because I seriously don't have the time for it. But, I am going to be consistent with this blog. Blogging is my method of survival. Today was superb. Slept in. Went shopping with the best friend. Played Newcastle and saw so many people that I've really missed. Now, I'm home, blogging, and listening to pandora. I'm going to get my issues finished up tonight and maybe break into some of my homework. OH my gosh! Haha(: I got some of theeee best pictures at the game! I'm so excited. Anyways, wow. Okay, so dreams are pretty confusing things. That one the other night did nothing for my sanity. I'm gonna burst pretty soon if I don't get this situation under control. My favorite quote right now is, "Sanity is wasted on the insane." I saw this shirt the other day that I thought was pretty clever, but not completely relavent. It said: "I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." Which is definately a good point. Here is another factor on the subject of abortion that I've come to face: if you believe in fate, as I do, then you must believe that when a child is aborted, whether it be right or wrong, that's what's supposed to happen; you can't fight fate and there is a reason behind it. You know? Maybe I'll just forget about everything else I wanted to do and go read my book until I fall asleep. That sounds good. (: Or maybe I just won't sleep tonight and do it all because I can... This one's a long'n! Lol, night.

Gargle.

Gargle. Goop. Grind. Group.
Blame. Shame. Stand. Stoop.
Lick. Love. Loser. Ladder.
Shut. Sick. Sever. Shatter.

Keep. Kick. Keen. Kept.
See. Slip. Sing. Swept.
Pick. Place. Pass. Pace.
Clap. Cave. Cove. Case.

Art. Act. All. Apt.
Tick. Tock. Toe. Tapt.
Feel. Felt. Flip. Fall.
Heel. Hole. Hop. Hall.

Vote. Veil. Vast. Vow.
Weak. Worry. Woops. Wow.
Neat. Nest. Nurture. Next.
Teal. Turkey. Top. Text.

Quick. Quite. Quit. Queen.
Bit. Bitten. Bite. Bean.
Rip. Robe. Real. Read.
Divine. Deep. Dead. Deed.

Let's break down the crazy, shall we?

In my mind I hear a shot, I hope and pray that I'm caught. Never open, never spoken, what should I think? Barriers build themselves and break down my cells. My mind is gone and you are gone. Where are we now? We are turning; we are living, but not living where we long. How long, my dear, will you cling tight to your fear? Irrational, fantastical, I'll be standing here. Hearts are hilarious things to hear. Bear down on your secrets until they condense into tiny maggots that eat through your splints. I've dealt with supression, and still to this day, I deal with the lesson that my heart leads the way. Never offended, ever being lended, how else can we spend it, because we know she will rend it.

Nothing is what you think.

"Now that I've found someone, I'm feeling more alone."

Ben Folds makes my senses go, "Ahhh..."

I know, I know:

I'm only sixteen. However, I've already got baby fever. It's going to be a long time before I'm at that point in my life. Trust me. I want to live my life selfishly and independently first. It's going to be a long while. How long is long, though? Like, what? 5-9 years? Realistically, that's not too long. So, I'm going to share my baby names and desires for children. You know? I think everyone, no matter who they are, longs to be a parent; whether they'd ever admit that or not. (:

For my first child, or my boy child (unfortunately, I can't make sure those go together. Well, I could; but I won't.), I'm naming him: Daxton Abolafia.

And for my second child, or my girl child, I'm naming her: Talley Capri.

Cute right? Yeah, I think so too.




Ha, I know a lot of this stuff really isn't all that interesting, or maybe it is, but it's a different kind of interesting, and for that I'm sorry. I wish all the stuff I wrote all the time was full of juicy goodness and complex words that spin off of eachother. That's simply not the case though. I use this thing as my personal record of things happening in my life, and sometimes that includes somewhat dry things. So, endure for the juice if you like, but know that this really is more like my diary.

G'night bloggers<3
P.S. I have a very irrational crush... (: