We. Are. Going. To. State.

I don't think that anyone in my life truly understands how overly happy and excited I am about this. Zack might. The first thing Mrs. Queen told me after we striked the stage was, "I felt like I was watching a broadway play." We came alive on that stage; it was magical. I've never ever done anything like that and it went pretty close to perfectly. You know that feeling you get once you accomplish something that you had no clue you could actually accomplish? Yeah, I got that. I feel like I could really puch myself and be on broadway if I wanted. Do you know how incredible that would be? The feeling you get when you are on that stage is something that cannot be replaced by anything else. It's better than any drug or high. One of the best movies that describes this feeling is "Me and Orson Wells".



In one scene, Orson says, "I recognize the look: the bone deep understanding that your life is so utterly without meaning that simply to survive you have to reinvent yourself. Because if people can't find you, they can't dislike you. You see, if I can be Brutus for 90 minutes tonight- I mean, really be him, from the inside out- then for 90 minutes I get this miraculous reprive from being myself. That's what you see in every great actor's eyes."

It's like waking from a dream. You come off the stage and are jolted back into reality with a soft but startling release of energy. The adrenaline that you run on is ridiculously concuming. The accomplishment and satisfaction that you recieve for succeeding in something that you worked so hard towards is overwhelming. And it's not just the feeling of satisfaction or the emotional high that it gives you that makes it as good as it is. The other thing that makes it worth while is the crowd: the laughs, the applause, the gasps and sighs, the quiet parts, and the congradulations and commendments recieved afterwards. All these things are what really seal the deal.

Which leads me back into my princess thing. The day of homecoming, I felt like a princess: nothing less. Yesterday, I felt like a queen: nothing less. And sure it makes me feel important and loved and appreciated, and maybe I do enjoy the limelight too much. However, I do not see the harm in taking pleasure in being noticed. I do not see anything wrong with letting myself feel like royalty. Every girl should experience that feeling of admiration and beauty. (: Every girl should get to be a princess. My heart is in this. My passion is devoted, and I'm am so excited to see where the wind will blow me if I'll let it.

Here are my recent accomplishments and dreams:
-Yesterday, our One-Act recieved Second Place at Regionals and is being sent on to the state competition, which is being held on the 29th for the those of you who would like to attend. [I would like to mind you that we (a public, underfunded arts, school) ranked second to Classen (a highly funded arts school, dedicated to performing arts). All I have to say is: Pin Stripes...]

-Additionally, I recieved the second slot on the All Star Cast! I'm extremely excited about this as well. (:

-Lastly, I feel very honored that Tyler Heilaman called me last night and wanted to inform Zack and I about Courts Mountain.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone and anyone who has been a supporter through this.
My heart is smiling. (:
<3

My life is never ending...

So, people don't really read my blog right? Not a lot of people anyways. Let me tell you about my night then. It was wonderful, for the most part. The game was a good one, even though we lost. I got to hang out with fun people, which is fun. And Nathan, sweet, cute, adorable, little Nathan, texted me all night... But of course... I went to IHOP and who shows up after his the concert that he didn't invite me to? Bryce. It's not bad enough that he was there, filling up the limelight and making everyone happy, including me. He was also talked about the entire night by the group of guys I was with. They kept raving about how cool he was and how much they all loved him. Truth is, I still love him too. Continuing, the guy who drove him to the concert was baked, absolutly cooked to a crisp. So, being the good person that I am, I said yes when he asked me to drive him home. Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. Well, that's not entirely true. Do you want to know what happened? I was reminded of why I let myself secretly give him my heart. All the emotions and feelings and desires and longings and pure love I have for that kid, surfaced. He thanked me a billion times for being the best, and then he climbed out of the car, and then I drove home, by myself, crying, at two in the morning. Sob sob sob, rachel. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, you little high school drama queen. You know what? I will, thank you very much. I don't really care that I'm just in high school. That's completely irrelevant. I don't really care that everyone thinks I shouldn't place this much weight on him or an ended relationship. Because I do, and that's not really by choice. I just do. I cannot help how I feel or act or am.

I am shreaded, quite honestly, and I have no clue where to go from here...
Sleep sweet, gentle reader.

Nothing is clear.

No matter how hard you try, there will always be things that you don't understand, things you think you understand that you clearly don't, and things that you don't think you understand that you probably do more than you realize.

I've excepted the fact that I'm not right a lot of the time. I do know that. You know what, though? I'm okay with it. (:

I'm not saying that I'm not going to try to do my best to be the person I need to be in this life. What I'm saying is that I won't spend my whole life attempting to alter the person I know that I am. I was created this way for a particular purpose, and instead of changing for my own personal purposes, I'm going to run with who I am and see where the wind takes me.

Uncertainty is thrilling.

I'm going to go on a date with myself this evening. (:
I'm thinking: Chinese, shopping, and a movie.

P.S. The whole "princess" thing is so underrated. I'll blog about that on a later date.

Here goes nothing...

I'm letting go of who I used to be
I'm letting go of things I want to see
I'm letting go of people's expectations
I'm letting go of meaningless, vain frustrations

Lol, alright. I'm done. I'll come back and add to that later I guess. I need some blog time. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This week has been insane. I'm so tired. I need some serious rest. Yoga? Yes. I told Mrs. Queen that I'd sit with her at the game. (: Lol I love that woman so much. I don't care what people say; she's amazing. Eeeeeeek! Tomorrow! It's tomorrow. I'm so extremely exited. CRAP! I have to go roll my hair. Hahaha, I'm gonna have to have some sleeping pills tonight.

BYE

P.S. My version of love the way you lie is going to be incredible. I'm excited. (:

Do you want to know why I blog?

Writing is a huge part of my life. In a nutshell, that's it. I love writing with all my heart, but most of the time (whether it be for the paper, or for a class, or in a note for someone else, or whatever it may be for) I feel the need to be extremely nit picky about what it looks like and how it reads. Not that I don't feel the need to be like that here, it's just that I don't have to. Here, I am because I want to. In my mind, there's a HUGE difference there. Additionally, I like talking to people. I like trying to manipulate my image into what I want it to look like, and if I have no one to project that image to, then really, what's the use? You know? I get excited about what's going on in my life; it's important to me. It may not be to you, and that's fine. I'm coming to the point at which I don't particularly like hiding who I know that I am. However, that doesn't mean that I can't moderate how I behave when I need to. I hate dumb situations. I'm getting off track, which perfectly leads into my next point. I don't have to keep myself on track. I can be as random as I please, when I blog. Most of the time, outside of my world of blogging, I feel uncomfortable with being my cooky random self. I feel as if I have to reign in all of my absurdness. Here, not at all! I can jump from one thing to the next and you can't say a... Do you feel like you're in a movie sometimes? I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside sometimes. I love those moments.

My head is getting ready to explode, and there's like one person who is on the verge of setting me off, and another on the verge of breaking me down.

Life is gloriously unstopping.
Sleep pretty, fellow blog lovers.
(:

I realized this evening that I have a terrible addiction.

I've realized that I'm very much so addicted to solitude. I knew that I thrived off of it before, but now I know that it behaves and breathes like an addiction. The more I'm alone, the more I want to be alone. The longer I'm alone, the harder it is to be around people again. And the more space I have to be alone (example: having the whole house to myself vs. having to go to my room), the more intensely I can become myself. Revelation: (You know, this is why I blog, because when I disect what I type I discover things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise.) Maybe that's how I'll know when I've found "the right guy". Maybe I'll know when I can feel like I'm in solitude with him, when I can be myself as much with him as I can be by myself, when he holds me without sufficating me, when he smuthers me fittingly... Wow.

Running through my lines this evening was an event. I went straight through, successfully not looking, and afterwards was plunged into a valley of tears so deep that my mother conceeded to letting me skip church. I'm chalking it up to PMS, however, I've gathered a new respect and reverence for actors and my acting ability after that little melt down. It is such an emotionally exhausting exercize, yet so very worth it.

When is the rough draft due? That's a great question to be asking 30 hours (I will be forever cursed by the term "naked numbers".) from class time. The one class I had homework in, got neglected, but for very understandable reasons. I'm really excited about this essay, actually. I'm more excited about cider house rules though. I have to forcfully carve out time to make a noticable dent in that book this week. I love it. **Sucks back what was almost typed** I will save those rantings for their designated blog. HOWEVER!
Hehehe(: I feel like such a cheeseball for loving this show with the intensity that I do, but GLEE started last week. Have you seen it yet? Have you? OH, my Lord, it brought me to tears. It always does. I've missed it immensely.

Off to do more reading, following some english, I suppose.
Goodnight, Lovely Readers.

"Do you know what I'm going to do now? Do you have ANY idea?" -Roy

I'm going to look up information on concurrent enrollment and online high school classes because "a certian teacher" is driving me insane (and I drive myself insane plenty; I don't need her help) and I can't learn a foriegn language in the environment that I'm in now (God bless Mr. Wakeman). Yeah. So, there's that. Also, I'm going to finish my layout for the notebook order form. I'm excited. OH! And can't forget: I'm going to take a long, hot, luxerious, candle-lit, bubble bath and then paint my toes. AND THEN, I'm going to attempt to finish memorizing my lines. I have a long night ahead of me. I'm pumped. Ha, I probably should include the homework I have to do in this list... But... I'm going with stuco tomorrow; I don't necessarily care. (: