I'm done making promises.

I'm done making  promises that I don't know that I'll keep. I'm done disappointing other people, let alone myself, and letting it get to me. I am living. That is it. I can't do anymore than that and if you expect anymore from me, that's your problem. I'm sorry. I can't be anything anymore. I have been telling myself for a long time that not caring will only make things worse for me, and that's the truth, but I physically, emotionally, and spiritually can not bring myself to care anymore. I can't. It's not that I won't, or that I won't try, but I don't know that I can anymore. It's simply too hard...





I've lost.

Can I Have Another New Life Please?

I feel like Hilary Duff in The Perfect Man... I could get so caught up in new places if I let myself. That's one thing I know I good at: running. And yes, I'm coming to terms with the fact that that's what I'm doing. Maybe I should want to change it, but right now I don't want to. I'm messed up... I keep saying that and telling  people that. But no one believes me. Do I seem alright? If so, you'd be wrong. Sometimes I want to die young. I do. I don't want to deal with this stuff for another 70 years or so. Does it get better? I've always heard that it doesn't get any better. Heck, from my experience, it's gotten worse. "Highschool never ends," right? I'm wandering in a sea of jelly that doesn't taste good at all and holds me back more than anything. I should have gone to school today. Bahahahaha, I woke up this morning with 69 text messages. It's still the best part of my day so far. Alright, time to go to sleep.

Signed,
Another Blogger.

I have not a clue what to expect.

I don't know how I will react. I don't know how anyone will react to me being at blanchard now. (for those who don't know, I transfered schools and start at the new one monday.) There is no way to explain or describe how big of a deal this is going to be... I'm scared poopless. I'm so nervous and restless, I can't sleep. And it's only saturday. Imagine how I'll be tomorrow night... Lol, wow.. I'm gonna be so tired. Maybe I should drug myself to fall asleep. Any nyquil around here? Nope. Whatever. Idk, I'm so excited though. Like, there's just no telling you how amazing this is going to be for me... Haha, I'm one messed up and confusing girl. Simplicity is overrated in some ways. But in others it's everything. But that theorey in itself makes things complicated. Hahahahha, I'm sleepy. This probably sounds realllllllll dumb. I just can't sleep. At all. I wonder if I'm going to prom... I still don't really know. I guess since I'll be in blanchard it will be more evident. I need to get spell check on everything I type cause I'm pretty sure I suck butt at spelling all the time. I'm going to laugh if I fall asleep at the computer. Lol ha. I'm rambling. Dear reader, I'm sorrry for my rambling. But I thank you for indulging my rambling.

-Rach(:

P.S. (Looking back on this now, I've decided to impliment a new rule: no blogging when I'm this tired EVER again. Ridiculous. Lol)

So I'm at the Cosby's house, on the family laptop.

That should tell you something about this family. It's wonderful. So wonderful. I'm taking the liberty of claiming them as family. Secretly. Not openly, cause that's weird. Anyways, they girls still aren't here yet. I should be doing some homework, but I can't bring myself to. Which I really really should if tomorrow is gonna be my last day. Let's hope. Let's hope really hard that it is. I've made up my mind, I have. But the longer I'm there and the more people that find out, the harder it's gonna be for me to leave. People have understanding, but it's just like... There's no getting around feeling like a traitor. BUT I must do what's right for me. So, I can't care. Ahh, Pandora. Pandora's good.(:

So, today has been much better than yesterday. It hasn't been particularly great, but it's been decent. I did dye my hair last night. And it looks good, I think. But I wanted it much darker than what it is, and my mom forced me to take it off earlier than i wanted to. So, it doesn't look like I wanted it to. It looks like what she wanted it to look like... Oh well, it's a change. And I need as much of it as I can get... But not if it's dictated by HER. Gah, that's the freaking point of changing my life around. I want to get things to where I want them. I want to make decisions for myself that make me the individual I want to be. But I suppose I will get the chance to do all that eventually. Alright, well the girls are here.

I'm out.

This has absolutely been the worst day of my life-

But I'll spare you the details, because it doesn't really matter to you...
Onto more trivial things:
Do I dye my hair red, or do I leave it natural?
Do I go to Blanchard, or do I stay in Newcastle?

God, just help me see what's best for me, because people are confusing what I see.

Signed,
Alone.

Apparently, cheese enchiladas are choking hazards.

I smell like tanning(: I had a great, long, hilarious conversation with Andrea after she came home early. I'm going to get CPR certified because she's had to do the heimlich maneuver on Mindy 4 times! (she's the youngest of the two girls I nanny, and the spunkiest.) Apparently, cheese enchiladas are choking hazards... Andrea also told me that she's been blogging about going into illegal slave labor and is going to have me start cook ALLL their meals and cleaning the house everyday. I adore that family sooo much.(:

I have two fords in mind to purchase and I WILL have purchased one of the two by the end of the week. They are both two doors. (Which I do not like AT ALL) The old truck is SO me though, it's just cooky and I could totally see myself in it. It doesn't have a back seat, it's just a three seater. (Which I prefer to the car where my passengers would be forced to crawl into the back.) But it also doesn't have a radio in it either. The seller said he was trying to get one in it this week, but if he doesn't, it's a NO deal, no questions. Now, the little car has better gas mileage I'm sure, leather interior, and cassette player/radio. It's a little more than the truck, but I think it'd probably be safer and more practical. I'm SO not practical though... Whatever, if it'll make my mom more secure about me going places then I'm down.

My day has been pretty splendid overall.(: I'm a bit conflicted though... I've been breaking down barriers like crazy and loving it. I feel like I'm finally becoming someone new where I am, and I don't wanna miss out on the opportunities that may be presented. But, I also know that at Newcastle I will always be "Rachel Talley, The Goodie" and that's not really a good definition of who I really am. So, the only way to find myself and start completely fresh is to go somewhere new where people are trying to figure out, "who is this girl?" just as much as I am. I was talking about this with one of my good friends, ryan. And he told me this: "It all comes down to what you're fighting for. At Newcastle everyone obviously already knows you, so you're fighting to change and refresh your reputation. Whereas at Blanchard you'd be fighting to get known in general." So, I asked myself, what's more important: having people know you, but know a lie, OR not having as many people know you as well, but know the REAL you? That's not even a question... Everything became crystal clear after that. My heart is in Blanchard, that's where I need to be. I know that now. It won't be easy because I'm already so attached to everyone and everything in Newcastle, but doing what's right isn't easy.

This is me taking a stand for myself... If you could see my heart and how often I stood for others, you'd understand how critical it is that this happens.

Well, I got homework and I need to eat something.

Still Breathing,
Rach.

I just walked in

to my family singing hymns in the living room. It's official, I'm no longer one of them. I left this afternoon to go see my dad. We spent the whole afternoon together and I got to meet his maybe girlfriend. Gyros, deep convo, creepy friends of his, and awkward moments between him and david. Overall, wonderful. He taught me a lick from "beat it" on guitar... And I explained in detail the life changes I'm going through. And he gets it. He understands and has gone through the same things. God, I'm so thankful. SO thankful that at least he understands. I just wish the people I have to share a roof with could see it too. But they don't, can't, and won't.

Listening to "Scars" by Allison Iraheta. It's the story of my life...





Good night world,
Rach.