It's funny how you don't realize certian things,

Until you are in a situation that pertains to the thing you didn't realize. Like for instance, I didn't realize how good the human mind was of spinning a web of lies to trick itself. We, as people, are so good at fooling ourselves into thinking that we believe something we no isn't.

I've come to the conclusion that relationships get confusing for pretty much one reason: selfishness. Here's why, God and love are everything but selfish, right? And God takes no part of confusion. So it's reasonable to say that this is true. Also, for me and in my situation, I knew that the relationship was hopeless. Honestly, I did. But I wanted so badly for it to work because despite how messed up he was, he really loved me. He loved me more than I could ever hope for anyone to love me, even if it was with a love that I didn't really want. I was too selfish and wanted that love too much to see past him into the fact that it wasn't right. It wasn't right at all.

My hope in love and in my capacity to love and in my ability to have a lasting relationship is now restored, for those of you who have been concerned about that. (: God is so good. He brings such a clarity and such a relief that my heart desparately thirsts for. Thank you to all of you who have stood by my side faithfully, I owe you my sanity and my heart. I'm undeserving of the blessings my God has bestowed upon me. (:

<3<3<3

Be Warned, Love is Fatal.

There's this little thing called love that is very real and extremely explosive. It will grab a hold of you and it doesn't like to let you go. It will invade your brain and it will become a part of you like nothing else can. It will seep into places in your heart that you didn't know you had. It will take you over, completely consume you, become fused to the person that you are. And when it ends, even if it is for the best, the person you are will be totally obliterated. You see because it doesn't much matter if the relationship is meant to be or not, while it is, and while you are falling, it's true love that you experience all the same. All the same sparks and all the same bone deep thoughts and passions are there. All of them. The thing that's different is what's at the end of the fuse. Is it a fire cracker or dynamite? Will it be the highlight of your life, or what ends it? Will it be what sustains you, or what destroys you. I'm being destroyed by my own love as we speak. Admittedly, this is what I chose.

Can I ask you a question? Do you think that I can hold onto him and continue to hope for the situation without losing my sanity?

Dear God, what have I done to myself?

Realizations...

I've realized some things lately, and it's not that I didn't exactly know these things before, but they have just surfaced and grabbed my attention lately.

-I've realized just how truely amazing my best friends are and how blessed I am to have them in my life because Lord knows where I'd be without them.

-I've realized that I'm not as smart as I think I am, ever.

-I've realized that my happiness is more important than I think.

-I've realized that Christmas time is exciting and wonderful and still my favorite ever, but it's still just a time and that life doesn't stop slapping you in the face just because it's Christmas.

-I've realized that my family is probably more messed up, but at the same time closer than most families out there.

-I've realized that a clean room leads to a clear mind.

-I've realized that no matter how far or fast I run, I can't get away from who I am.

-And I've realized that I don't really want to... <3

Sooooooo,

My life has been too full of things to get on here lately for reasons most of you know about... (: Just you wait till I have my laptop, blogger. Just you wait. I will spend much more time with your lovely self then.

I love my life right now. I'm so beyond happy. (((:

Rachie<3