It's funny how you don't realize certian things,

Until you are in a situation that pertains to the thing you didn't realize. Like for instance, I didn't realize how good the human mind was of spinning a web of lies to trick itself. We, as people, are so good at fooling ourselves into thinking that we believe something we no isn't.

I've come to the conclusion that relationships get confusing for pretty much one reason: selfishness. Here's why, God and love are everything but selfish, right? And God takes no part of confusion. So it's reasonable to say that this is true. Also, for me and in my situation, I knew that the relationship was hopeless. Honestly, I did. But I wanted so badly for it to work because despite how messed up he was, he really loved me. He loved me more than I could ever hope for anyone to love me, even if it was with a love that I didn't really want. I was too selfish and wanted that love too much to see past him into the fact that it wasn't right. It wasn't right at all.

My hope in love and in my capacity to love and in my ability to have a lasting relationship is now restored, for those of you who have been concerned about that. (: God is so good. He brings such a clarity and such a relief that my heart desparately thirsts for. Thank you to all of you who have stood by my side faithfully, I owe you my sanity and my heart. I'm undeserving of the blessings my God has bestowed upon me. (:

<3<3<3

Be Warned, Love is Fatal.

There's this little thing called love that is very real and extremely explosive. It will grab a hold of you and it doesn't like to let you go. It will invade your brain and it will become a part of you like nothing else can. It will seep into places in your heart that you didn't know you had. It will take you over, completely consume you, become fused to the person that you are. And when it ends, even if it is for the best, the person you are will be totally obliterated. You see because it doesn't much matter if the relationship is meant to be or not, while it is, and while you are falling, it's true love that you experience all the same. All the same sparks and all the same bone deep thoughts and passions are there. All of them. The thing that's different is what's at the end of the fuse. Is it a fire cracker or dynamite? Will it be the highlight of your life, or what ends it? Will it be what sustains you, or what destroys you. I'm being destroyed by my own love as we speak. Admittedly, this is what I chose.

Can I ask you a question? Do you think that I can hold onto him and continue to hope for the situation without losing my sanity?

Dear God, what have I done to myself?

Realizations...

I've realized some things lately, and it's not that I didn't exactly know these things before, but they have just surfaced and grabbed my attention lately.

-I've realized just how truely amazing my best friends are and how blessed I am to have them in my life because Lord knows where I'd be without them.

-I've realized that I'm not as smart as I think I am, ever.

-I've realized that my happiness is more important than I think.

-I've realized that Christmas time is exciting and wonderful and still my favorite ever, but it's still just a time and that life doesn't stop slapping you in the face just because it's Christmas.

-I've realized that my family is probably more messed up, but at the same time closer than most families out there.

-I've realized that a clean room leads to a clear mind.

-I've realized that no matter how far or fast I run, I can't get away from who I am.

-And I've realized that I don't really want to... <3

Sooooooo,

My life has been too full of things to get on here lately for reasons most of you know about... (: Just you wait till I have my laptop, blogger. Just you wait. I will spend much more time with your lovely self then.

I love my life right now. I'm so beyond happy. (((:

Rachie<3

My Ridiculously Wonderful Life ((:

**Disclaimer: If you are easily irritated by other people's semi-stuckupness, then you may not want to read this particular blog post. Or, if you deside to anyways, please do me the favor of not complaining about it in any shape or form. Thanks. (: **

I'm going to relish in my victory because I think I should be able to. I was placed in the top 30 drama students of the state this Friday by making the All State Cast at One Act Contest. We truly kicked butt. Then, the next day, I went to All State Choir tryouts and I was the only one to make it to the second round tryouts from my high school. I feel so accomplished. And then today and tomorrow, I'm at ECOCDA, which I'm starting to realize is completely amazing as well! I couldn't be happier, except for that I am because I aquired a boyfriend yesterday. How cool do you have to be to start dating someone on Halloween?? Lol pretty darn cool in my opinion. Lol I'm sorry, I am. I don't want to sound... Full of my self, I guess. But I have to have an outlet so I don't unleash these thoughts in public.

Screww it, I'm gonna go dance with my best friend. There will be more to come. (:

Just kidding, I'm not going to add to this. I feel like I summed up what I wanted to say. ECOCDA was amazing. There is nothing like that feeling of singing in that place. So beautiful. Best friend, yeah I've decided that you're my compass. Without you, I'd be completely lost. I love you and thank you for putting up with me. <3(:

We. Are. Going. To. State.

I don't think that anyone in my life truly understands how overly happy and excited I am about this. Zack might. The first thing Mrs. Queen told me after we striked the stage was, "I felt like I was watching a broadway play." We came alive on that stage; it was magical. I've never ever done anything like that and it went pretty close to perfectly. You know that feeling you get once you accomplish something that you had no clue you could actually accomplish? Yeah, I got that. I feel like I could really puch myself and be on broadway if I wanted. Do you know how incredible that would be? The feeling you get when you are on that stage is something that cannot be replaced by anything else. It's better than any drug or high. One of the best movies that describes this feeling is "Me and Orson Wells".



In one scene, Orson says, "I recognize the look: the bone deep understanding that your life is so utterly without meaning that simply to survive you have to reinvent yourself. Because if people can't find you, they can't dislike you. You see, if I can be Brutus for 90 minutes tonight- I mean, really be him, from the inside out- then for 90 minutes I get this miraculous reprive from being myself. That's what you see in every great actor's eyes."

It's like waking from a dream. You come off the stage and are jolted back into reality with a soft but startling release of energy. The adrenaline that you run on is ridiculously concuming. The accomplishment and satisfaction that you recieve for succeeding in something that you worked so hard towards is overwhelming. And it's not just the feeling of satisfaction or the emotional high that it gives you that makes it as good as it is. The other thing that makes it worth while is the crowd: the laughs, the applause, the gasps and sighs, the quiet parts, and the congradulations and commendments recieved afterwards. All these things are what really seal the deal.

Which leads me back into my princess thing. The day of homecoming, I felt like a princess: nothing less. Yesterday, I felt like a queen: nothing less. And sure it makes me feel important and loved and appreciated, and maybe I do enjoy the limelight too much. However, I do not see the harm in taking pleasure in being noticed. I do not see anything wrong with letting myself feel like royalty. Every girl should experience that feeling of admiration and beauty. (: Every girl should get to be a princess. My heart is in this. My passion is devoted, and I'm am so excited to see where the wind will blow me if I'll let it.

Here are my recent accomplishments and dreams:
-Yesterday, our One-Act recieved Second Place at Regionals and is being sent on to the state competition, which is being held on the 29th for the those of you who would like to attend. [I would like to mind you that we (a public, underfunded arts, school) ranked second to Classen (a highly funded arts school, dedicated to performing arts). All I have to say is: Pin Stripes...]

-Additionally, I recieved the second slot on the All Star Cast! I'm extremely excited about this as well. (:

-Lastly, I feel very honored that Tyler Heilaman called me last night and wanted to inform Zack and I about Courts Mountain.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone and anyone who has been a supporter through this.
My heart is smiling. (:
<3

My life is never ending...

So, people don't really read my blog right? Not a lot of people anyways. Let me tell you about my night then. It was wonderful, for the most part. The game was a good one, even though we lost. I got to hang out with fun people, which is fun. And Nathan, sweet, cute, adorable, little Nathan, texted me all night... But of course... I went to IHOP and who shows up after his the concert that he didn't invite me to? Bryce. It's not bad enough that he was there, filling up the limelight and making everyone happy, including me. He was also talked about the entire night by the group of guys I was with. They kept raving about how cool he was and how much they all loved him. Truth is, I still love him too. Continuing, the guy who drove him to the concert was baked, absolutly cooked to a crisp. So, being the good person that I am, I said yes when he asked me to drive him home. Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. Well, that's not entirely true. Do you want to know what happened? I was reminded of why I let myself secretly give him my heart. All the emotions and feelings and desires and longings and pure love I have for that kid, surfaced. He thanked me a billion times for being the best, and then he climbed out of the car, and then I drove home, by myself, crying, at two in the morning. Sob sob sob, rachel. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, you little high school drama queen. You know what? I will, thank you very much. I don't really care that I'm just in high school. That's completely irrelevant. I don't really care that everyone thinks I shouldn't place this much weight on him or an ended relationship. Because I do, and that's not really by choice. I just do. I cannot help how I feel or act or am.

I am shreaded, quite honestly, and I have no clue where to go from here...
Sleep sweet, gentle reader.

Nothing is clear.

No matter how hard you try, there will always be things that you don't understand, things you think you understand that you clearly don't, and things that you don't think you understand that you probably do more than you realize.

I've excepted the fact that I'm not right a lot of the time. I do know that. You know what, though? I'm okay with it. (:

I'm not saying that I'm not going to try to do my best to be the person I need to be in this life. What I'm saying is that I won't spend my whole life attempting to alter the person I know that I am. I was created this way for a particular purpose, and instead of changing for my own personal purposes, I'm going to run with who I am and see where the wind takes me.

Uncertainty is thrilling.

I'm going to go on a date with myself this evening. (:
I'm thinking: Chinese, shopping, and a movie.

P.S. The whole "princess" thing is so underrated. I'll blog about that on a later date.

Here goes nothing...

I'm letting go of who I used to be
I'm letting go of things I want to see
I'm letting go of people's expectations
I'm letting go of meaningless, vain frustrations

Lol, alright. I'm done. I'll come back and add to that later I guess. I need some blog time. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This week has been insane. I'm so tired. I need some serious rest. Yoga? Yes. I told Mrs. Queen that I'd sit with her at the game. (: Lol I love that woman so much. I don't care what people say; she's amazing. Eeeeeeek! Tomorrow! It's tomorrow. I'm so extremely exited. CRAP! I have to go roll my hair. Hahaha, I'm gonna have to have some sleeping pills tonight.

BYE

P.S. My version of love the way you lie is going to be incredible. I'm excited. (:

Do you want to know why I blog?

Writing is a huge part of my life. In a nutshell, that's it. I love writing with all my heart, but most of the time (whether it be for the paper, or for a class, or in a note for someone else, or whatever it may be for) I feel the need to be extremely nit picky about what it looks like and how it reads. Not that I don't feel the need to be like that here, it's just that I don't have to. Here, I am because I want to. In my mind, there's a HUGE difference there. Additionally, I like talking to people. I like trying to manipulate my image into what I want it to look like, and if I have no one to project that image to, then really, what's the use? You know? I get excited about what's going on in my life; it's important to me. It may not be to you, and that's fine. I'm coming to the point at which I don't particularly like hiding who I know that I am. However, that doesn't mean that I can't moderate how I behave when I need to. I hate dumb situations. I'm getting off track, which perfectly leads into my next point. I don't have to keep myself on track. I can be as random as I please, when I blog. Most of the time, outside of my world of blogging, I feel uncomfortable with being my cooky random self. I feel as if I have to reign in all of my absurdness. Here, not at all! I can jump from one thing to the next and you can't say a... Do you feel like you're in a movie sometimes? I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside sometimes. I love those moments.

My head is getting ready to explode, and there's like one person who is on the verge of setting me off, and another on the verge of breaking me down.

Life is gloriously unstopping.
Sleep pretty, fellow blog lovers.
(:

I realized this evening that I have a terrible addiction.

I've realized that I'm very much so addicted to solitude. I knew that I thrived off of it before, but now I know that it behaves and breathes like an addiction. The more I'm alone, the more I want to be alone. The longer I'm alone, the harder it is to be around people again. And the more space I have to be alone (example: having the whole house to myself vs. having to go to my room), the more intensely I can become myself. Revelation: (You know, this is why I blog, because when I disect what I type I discover things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise.) Maybe that's how I'll know when I've found "the right guy". Maybe I'll know when I can feel like I'm in solitude with him, when I can be myself as much with him as I can be by myself, when he holds me without sufficating me, when he smuthers me fittingly... Wow.

Running through my lines this evening was an event. I went straight through, successfully not looking, and afterwards was plunged into a valley of tears so deep that my mother conceeded to letting me skip church. I'm chalking it up to PMS, however, I've gathered a new respect and reverence for actors and my acting ability after that little melt down. It is such an emotionally exhausting exercize, yet so very worth it.

When is the rough draft due? That's a great question to be asking 30 hours (I will be forever cursed by the term "naked numbers".) from class time. The one class I had homework in, got neglected, but for very understandable reasons. I'm really excited about this essay, actually. I'm more excited about cider house rules though. I have to forcfully carve out time to make a noticable dent in that book this week. I love it. **Sucks back what was almost typed** I will save those rantings for their designated blog. HOWEVER!
Hehehe(: I feel like such a cheeseball for loving this show with the intensity that I do, but GLEE started last week. Have you seen it yet? Have you? OH, my Lord, it brought me to tears. It always does. I've missed it immensely.

Off to do more reading, following some english, I suppose.
Goodnight, Lovely Readers.

"Do you know what I'm going to do now? Do you have ANY idea?" -Roy

I'm going to look up information on concurrent enrollment and online high school classes because "a certian teacher" is driving me insane (and I drive myself insane plenty; I don't need her help) and I can't learn a foriegn language in the environment that I'm in now (God bless Mr. Wakeman). Yeah. So, there's that. Also, I'm going to finish my layout for the notebook order form. I'm excited. OH! And can't forget: I'm going to take a long, hot, luxerious, candle-lit, bubble bath and then paint my toes. AND THEN, I'm going to attempt to finish memorizing my lines. I have a long night ahead of me. I'm pumped. Ha, I probably should include the homework I have to do in this list... But... I'm going with stuco tomorrow; I don't necessarily care. (:

"Average"

I know that I'm doing daily entries in my blog below this, but I needed a new canvas to paint on for this. I feel so cursed by the word "average". If you see me and know me at all, you know that I love the odd and extraordinary. Ordinary, average... These things aren't for me. Yet, there are so many things in my life that confine me to these descriptions. Also, (and you may not see this as something that needs to be referred to with an also, but I do) I gravitate toward "weird people". I like them and and admire them and find them much, much more interesting than "normal" people. However, I don't feel like I belong with them. I don't feel that I'm welcome or that I fit in, which is totally backwards... But that's exactly how it is. You see? I don't like video games. (Typical) I'm making B's in half of my classes. (Average) I come from devorsed parents. (Typical) I have brown hair and eyes. (Ordinary) And, what I'm mainly uneased about, I've never been in a relationship for more than two months. (Extremely Average) Surveys indicate that the average high school relationship lasts for... OH YEAH! Two months. Surprise. Maybe I shouldn't be concerned. I mean, it doesn't mean that I couldn't handle a relationship for longer than that. Does it? I don't think so, but I also don't know, and I hate that. It's just really bugging me right now. I don't feel like I "belong" anywhere. I mean, at times, I do. But not always, gentle reader. Not always. (Andrea, if you ever read this; yes, I stole that from you. Lol(; )

Random thought #1: I'm so desperate for winter. (:

Random thought #2: Boys are dumb. (Except for that they aren't.)

"The Cider House Rules" (Concrete vs. Jello) P.S. This will be updated daily-ish.

9.13.10
I have experienced and connected with too much of love and life to except any set standard of what I should and shouldn't believe. The depths and heights of seemingly simple issues are far too great and too complex for me to claim to understand and have a stance on. In my mind, putting yourself in any one concrete place paints you as a fool on one plane or another. So, then, would it not be the wiser option to obstain from placing one's self in any kind of belief system all together? When there is no right or wrong answer, why do we feel the need to answer at all? If there is no correct answer, wouldn't that in turn mean that any answer at all is incorrect? Maybe it's that people define themselves and find there worth in what they believe. People put themselves in the position to be defined by what they believe instead of by who they really are. This, to me, is a sad mistake. I'm not discrediting having beliefs, because, yes, I have mine. All I'm suggesting is that making concrete decisions about things that are more like jello perhaps gets in the way of what's really important. And what's really important?... Well, I won't get concrete about that. (:


I'm going to read The Cider House Rules. Which, I might add, inspired this blog. Just remember: nothing is one sided.

9.14.10
This blog was originally a mere thought inspired by The Cider House Rules. I'm now going to turn it into a series of thoughts because it's a very multifaceted book over an extremely multifaceted subject. So, I'll be posting my thoughts and reactions to this book daily. If you haven't read the book and plan to, you may not want to read all of this. Also, if you're going to hate me for my views on this sensitive issue, you may not want to read it either.

I walked into this book with a pretty solid belief that abortion (as a general rule) is wrong. Meaning that for me, personally, I would never have an abortion. It's just not in me to do something like that. However, I have never been blind to the uncontrolable circumstances that happen to rise every now and again. For some, I do believe it to be an exceptable option. And it all goes back to your motives, just like everything else does. I don't believe that a mother should abort her unborn child for selfish reasons, but if the mother truly believes that having her child would be a tortuous and painful for all involved, I don't see the harm in trying to prevent that kind of brokenness. Towards the very beginning of the novel, Irving writes, "For whom did some minds insist that babies, even clearly unwanted ones, must be brought, screaming, into the world?" If you've ever read this novel, you know that he speaks volumes of the brokenness that the would-have-been-mother goes through, as well. You see? This isn't light. This topic hurts and pains itself through to the core. I know that to fully touch the heart of this novel, I'll have to read it more than once, and really, that's why I'm doing this. I feel like documenting my thoughts on it will help me process it and digest it more effectively. So, till tomorrow. (:

9.15.10
I actually haven't had any time to read a single word of my book today. However, I'm still going to post something. I want to talk about this, or rather blog about how this makes me feel and what it makes me think about, every day. My mind needs it in order to wrap itself around this. Topic on the mind: death. My Pappaw has been diagnosed with cancer today. Severe. Cancer. Today, abortion seems cruel. (I love how my heart confuses my mind. Let me tell you, it's grand...) Think about it: the baby being aborted could possibly be the next Martin Luther King, or Oprah(like we need more of her), but you know what I mean. No person, or potential person should be denied life, especially when they have no say in the matter. Denying someone the chance to live before they ever have a say in the matter... That's cruel. Plan and simple. At the same time, I can see where it's a little bit crazy. The baby hasn't been born yet. It has no memory of this tiny existance. I mean, okay. Guys, this is gross. If you're not comfortable with girl stuff, stop reading. Alright, when I first started my period I always felt bad for the unfertilized eggs, potential babies, running though my system. Crazy right? Seriously though, I was brought to tears on a number of occations. Hysterical. Ridiculous. Unrealistic. Yes, it was all of these things. However, it still... Was. You know? I feel like there are very few people who can actually connect with and understand what I'm saying. Half the time, I don't even finish my thought. The other half the time, my thought is totally and completely off the wall. THE END(of today).

9.17.10
Sadness. I didn't get to post yesterday. Or read. Crap. This is why I don't read: because I seriously don't have the time for it. But, I am going to be consistent with this blog. Blogging is my method of survival. Today was superb. Slept in. Went shopping with the best friend. Played Newcastle and saw so many people that I've really missed. Now, I'm home, blogging, and listening to pandora. I'm going to get my issues finished up tonight and maybe break into some of my homework. OH my gosh! Haha(: I got some of theeee best pictures at the game! I'm so excited. Anyways, wow. Okay, so dreams are pretty confusing things. That one the other night did nothing for my sanity. I'm gonna burst pretty soon if I don't get this situation under control. My favorite quote right now is, "Sanity is wasted on the insane." I saw this shirt the other day that I thought was pretty clever, but not completely relavent. It said: "I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." Which is definately a good point. Here is another factor on the subject of abortion that I've come to face: if you believe in fate, as I do, then you must believe that when a child is aborted, whether it be right or wrong, that's what's supposed to happen; you can't fight fate and there is a reason behind it. You know? Maybe I'll just forget about everything else I wanted to do and go read my book until I fall asleep. That sounds good. (: Or maybe I just won't sleep tonight and do it all because I can... This one's a long'n! Lol, night.

Gargle.

Gargle. Goop. Grind. Group.
Blame. Shame. Stand. Stoop.
Lick. Love. Loser. Ladder.
Shut. Sick. Sever. Shatter.

Keep. Kick. Keen. Kept.
See. Slip. Sing. Swept.
Pick. Place. Pass. Pace.
Clap. Cave. Cove. Case.

Art. Act. All. Apt.
Tick. Tock. Toe. Tapt.
Feel. Felt. Flip. Fall.
Heel. Hole. Hop. Hall.

Vote. Veil. Vast. Vow.
Weak. Worry. Woops. Wow.
Neat. Nest. Nurture. Next.
Teal. Turkey. Top. Text.

Quick. Quite. Quit. Queen.
Bit. Bitten. Bite. Bean.
Rip. Robe. Real. Read.
Divine. Deep. Dead. Deed.

Let's break down the crazy, shall we?

In my mind I hear a shot, I hope and pray that I'm caught. Never open, never spoken, what should I think? Barriers build themselves and break down my cells. My mind is gone and you are gone. Where are we now? We are turning; we are living, but not living where we long. How long, my dear, will you cling tight to your fear? Irrational, fantastical, I'll be standing here. Hearts are hilarious things to hear. Bear down on your secrets until they condense into tiny maggots that eat through your splints. I've dealt with supression, and still to this day, I deal with the lesson that my heart leads the way. Never offended, ever being lended, how else can we spend it, because we know she will rend it.

Nothing is what you think.

"Now that I've found someone, I'm feeling more alone."

Ben Folds makes my senses go, "Ahhh..."

I know, I know:

I'm only sixteen. However, I've already got baby fever. It's going to be a long time before I'm at that point in my life. Trust me. I want to live my life selfishly and independently first. It's going to be a long while. How long is long, though? Like, what? 5-9 years? Realistically, that's not too long. So, I'm going to share my baby names and desires for children. You know? I think everyone, no matter who they are, longs to be a parent; whether they'd ever admit that or not. (:

For my first child, or my boy child (unfortunately, I can't make sure those go together. Well, I could; but I won't.), I'm naming him: Daxton Abolafia.

And for my second child, or my girl child, I'm naming her: Talley Capri.

Cute right? Yeah, I think so too.




Ha, I know a lot of this stuff really isn't all that interesting, or maybe it is, but it's a different kind of interesting, and for that I'm sorry. I wish all the stuff I wrote all the time was full of juicy goodness and complex words that spin off of eachother. That's simply not the case though. I use this thing as my personal record of things happening in my life, and sometimes that includes somewhat dry things. So, endure for the juice if you like, but know that this really is more like my diary.

G'night bloggers<3
P.S. I have a very irrational crush... (:

TIME

Moments weave and wave and speak and save
They live and breathe, give and receive
Look at your dim face in the mirror of disgrace
Do you see anything that you want to be?

Life trips and falls and breaks down many walls
It takes a hold of your soul with a tight grip of power and control
Step back from the stage and examine your own rage
Are you where your passion is?

Hearts leap and jump, studder and pump
They break and are broken, they take and are taken as a token
Fly by the wreakage of your past, there's a good reason it didn't last
Will you open yourself?

Will you open yourself to the time at hand?
To life?
To your own heart?
To love?








Don't not let go of something over which you have no control.
TIME stops for no one.

This is addressed to anyone that has broken a heart or that has had their heart broken:

Spin around, touch your toes
Discover a secret that nobody knows
Hold your breath and say a prayer
Uncover me, layer by layer

No one knows what they don't
No one loathes what they won't
I have a funny feeling about this

Though you do what you say
You don't say how you play
I have a funny feeling about this

So spin around and touch your throat
Discover the secret of all the lies that you wrote
Hold your breath and say a prayer
I'll uncover your grave, layer by layer

And now the song is at an end
Your impudence made nothing but a bend
In the fabric of my past
Thank the LORD we didn't last














I FINALLY BROKE MY WRITTING MOLD. (:

"I want to uppercut your head like two miles in the air." Haha(:

Can you smell the rain before it falls? Do you see the clouds roll in? Before the storm drops its mood, do you have any idea when it will all begin? Yes, you do. In the soles of your shoes and in the core of who you are, you know.

When you're surrounded by cowboys and their loaded guns, and you're out of arrows, and there's no where to run, did you know you'd be here yesterday in the burning sun? Yes, you did. Something inside you whispered and you heard it when it began.

In the darkness of the night when no one is around, and you have yourself to be with, there is no other sound, don't you feel so close to life just know that this is how it is? And you know you must just let life be? Yes, in those moments you will know. You will know inside that all you have is this.









One day I will be free to love and hate what I please,
But as of now, my caring heart still has me on my knees.
<3

I need a constant reminder

to never complain. When I'm experiencing the best part of life I feel like such a dumb butt for ever hating it. The ebb and flow is perfect as God is perfect and has left some things perfect for his children, such as fate. Fate, my friends is a very real thing. It's fate that I moved to blanchard. It's fate that I dated and dumped cooper. It's fate that I already knew Jonthomas and Kaitlin. It's all just fate. I'm happier than I've EVER been. Ever.(: I don't know why I am where I am. But I'm here. And I'm not questioning it or exploring it. I'm being. I will not have expectations, because they will be let down. I will let life happen to me, and I will love it in the end. God is so much bigger than little ol' me...

I wanna go fishin'((:
<3

I'm drowning in brain fluid.

Trading secrets to keep the sanity, I know my own and my own knows me. Living in this box of a world is nothing like a cup of tea, but more or less like making the perfect one. “What is the perfect cup of tea?” you may ask. This can be discerned by you and you alone. For me the perfect cup of tea is: [A brisk morning’s night flying on the tail feathers of a kite through the skies I long to see myself soaring through to eternity. Take a breathe that never leaves and leave it with your heart. I can not be what anyone sees but only something taken piece by piece, apart. Ringing, singing, and stinging comes the light of day and with it the power to love and pray. “Truth, be mine!” I yell. This circumstance can’t be partaken of and described as swell. Live and make believe that all is well. Spin in a frenzy of hope. Laugh in terrible chaos and forfeit the ability to stop. Send off an echo that resonates back to you. Inspire your soul with your own voice and bring your feet to stand on utterly and inconsistently solid ground. Teach your voice with your mind to be fearless and timidly unwavering.]




Help me say, “Good-bye.”

Dear Love of My Life,

Though I don't have a clue as to who you are. I love you. Already, my heart is unconditionally yours. I hope and pray and hope and pray that things are going well for you. As well as well can be of course. Because being well means being tried and tested. I want you to know that I'm here, waiting on you. I'm here doing everything I can to be worthy of you and the plan that has been planned for us. I'm so strained, so pulled, so out of my element and in it at the same time. I need my God right now just as I always have and always will. Do you rely on Him as much as I do? I hope so. I hope that you are just as human as I am. I know that God has something spectacular planned for me. I know that He does. I know he has someone special in store. And if not, all the better. For there is none greater than my Savior, Himself. Anyways, I'm just thinking about you. I really care about you. (: Can't wait to meet you, but I will.

Love always

I'm done making promises.

I'm done making  promises that I don't know that I'll keep. I'm done disappointing other people, let alone myself, and letting it get to me. I am living. That is it. I can't do anymore than that and if you expect anymore from me, that's your problem. I'm sorry. I can't be anything anymore. I have been telling myself for a long time that not caring will only make things worse for me, and that's the truth, but I physically, emotionally, and spiritually can not bring myself to care anymore. I can't. It's not that I won't, or that I won't try, but I don't know that I can anymore. It's simply too hard...





I've lost.

Can I Have Another New Life Please?

I feel like Hilary Duff in The Perfect Man... I could get so caught up in new places if I let myself. That's one thing I know I good at: running. And yes, I'm coming to terms with the fact that that's what I'm doing. Maybe I should want to change it, but right now I don't want to. I'm messed up... I keep saying that and telling  people that. But no one believes me. Do I seem alright? If so, you'd be wrong. Sometimes I want to die young. I do. I don't want to deal with this stuff for another 70 years or so. Does it get better? I've always heard that it doesn't get any better. Heck, from my experience, it's gotten worse. "Highschool never ends," right? I'm wandering in a sea of jelly that doesn't taste good at all and holds me back more than anything. I should have gone to school today. Bahahahaha, I woke up this morning with 69 text messages. It's still the best part of my day so far. Alright, time to go to sleep.

Signed,
Another Blogger.

I have not a clue what to expect.

I don't know how I will react. I don't know how anyone will react to me being at blanchard now. (for those who don't know, I transfered schools and start at the new one monday.) There is no way to explain or describe how big of a deal this is going to be... I'm scared poopless. I'm so nervous and restless, I can't sleep. And it's only saturday. Imagine how I'll be tomorrow night... Lol, wow.. I'm gonna be so tired. Maybe I should drug myself to fall asleep. Any nyquil around here? Nope. Whatever. Idk, I'm so excited though. Like, there's just no telling you how amazing this is going to be for me... Haha, I'm one messed up and confusing girl. Simplicity is overrated in some ways. But in others it's everything. But that theorey in itself makes things complicated. Hahahahha, I'm sleepy. This probably sounds realllllllll dumb. I just can't sleep. At all. I wonder if I'm going to prom... I still don't really know. I guess since I'll be in blanchard it will be more evident. I need to get spell check on everything I type cause I'm pretty sure I suck butt at spelling all the time. I'm going to laugh if I fall asleep at the computer. Lol ha. I'm rambling. Dear reader, I'm sorrry for my rambling. But I thank you for indulging my rambling.

-Rach(:

P.S. (Looking back on this now, I've decided to impliment a new rule: no blogging when I'm this tired EVER again. Ridiculous. Lol)

So I'm at the Cosby's house, on the family laptop.

That should tell you something about this family. It's wonderful. So wonderful. I'm taking the liberty of claiming them as family. Secretly. Not openly, cause that's weird. Anyways, they girls still aren't here yet. I should be doing some homework, but I can't bring myself to. Which I really really should if tomorrow is gonna be my last day. Let's hope. Let's hope really hard that it is. I've made up my mind, I have. But the longer I'm there and the more people that find out, the harder it's gonna be for me to leave. People have understanding, but it's just like... There's no getting around feeling like a traitor. BUT I must do what's right for me. So, I can't care. Ahh, Pandora. Pandora's good.(:

So, today has been much better than yesterday. It hasn't been particularly great, but it's been decent. I did dye my hair last night. And it looks good, I think. But I wanted it much darker than what it is, and my mom forced me to take it off earlier than i wanted to. So, it doesn't look like I wanted it to. It looks like what she wanted it to look like... Oh well, it's a change. And I need as much of it as I can get... But not if it's dictated by HER. Gah, that's the freaking point of changing my life around. I want to get things to where I want them. I want to make decisions for myself that make me the individual I want to be. But I suppose I will get the chance to do all that eventually. Alright, well the girls are here.

I'm out.

This has absolutely been the worst day of my life-

But I'll spare you the details, because it doesn't really matter to you...
Onto more trivial things:
Do I dye my hair red, or do I leave it natural?
Do I go to Blanchard, or do I stay in Newcastle?

God, just help me see what's best for me, because people are confusing what I see.

Signed,
Alone.

Apparently, cheese enchiladas are choking hazards.

I smell like tanning(: I had a great, long, hilarious conversation with Andrea after she came home early. I'm going to get CPR certified because she's had to do the heimlich maneuver on Mindy 4 times! (she's the youngest of the two girls I nanny, and the spunkiest.) Apparently, cheese enchiladas are choking hazards... Andrea also told me that she's been blogging about going into illegal slave labor and is going to have me start cook ALLL their meals and cleaning the house everyday. I adore that family sooo much.(:

I have two fords in mind to purchase and I WILL have purchased one of the two by the end of the week. They are both two doors. (Which I do not like AT ALL) The old truck is SO me though, it's just cooky and I could totally see myself in it. It doesn't have a back seat, it's just a three seater. (Which I prefer to the car where my passengers would be forced to crawl into the back.) But it also doesn't have a radio in it either. The seller said he was trying to get one in it this week, but if he doesn't, it's a NO deal, no questions. Now, the little car has better gas mileage I'm sure, leather interior, and cassette player/radio. It's a little more than the truck, but I think it'd probably be safer and more practical. I'm SO not practical though... Whatever, if it'll make my mom more secure about me going places then I'm down.

My day has been pretty splendid overall.(: I'm a bit conflicted though... I've been breaking down barriers like crazy and loving it. I feel like I'm finally becoming someone new where I am, and I don't wanna miss out on the opportunities that may be presented. But, I also know that at Newcastle I will always be "Rachel Talley, The Goodie" and that's not really a good definition of who I really am. So, the only way to find myself and start completely fresh is to go somewhere new where people are trying to figure out, "who is this girl?" just as much as I am. I was talking about this with one of my good friends, ryan. And he told me this: "It all comes down to what you're fighting for. At Newcastle everyone obviously already knows you, so you're fighting to change and refresh your reputation. Whereas at Blanchard you'd be fighting to get known in general." So, I asked myself, what's more important: having people know you, but know a lie, OR not having as many people know you as well, but know the REAL you? That's not even a question... Everything became crystal clear after that. My heart is in Blanchard, that's where I need to be. I know that now. It won't be easy because I'm already so attached to everyone and everything in Newcastle, but doing what's right isn't easy.

This is me taking a stand for myself... If you could see my heart and how often I stood for others, you'd understand how critical it is that this happens.

Well, I got homework and I need to eat something.

Still Breathing,
Rach.

I just walked in

to my family singing hymns in the living room. It's official, I'm no longer one of them. I left this afternoon to go see my dad. We spent the whole afternoon together and I got to meet his maybe girlfriend. Gyros, deep convo, creepy friends of his, and awkward moments between him and david. Overall, wonderful. He taught me a lick from "beat it" on guitar... And I explained in detail the life changes I'm going through. And he gets it. He understands and has gone through the same things. God, I'm so thankful. SO thankful that at least he understands. I just wish the people I have to share a roof with could see it too. But they don't, can't, and won't.

Listening to "Scars" by Allison Iraheta. It's the story of my life...





Good night world,
Rach.

Hey World,

This air that I breathe is more than oxygen. It's life and love and heart and reason and one more thing that is on my side. Hey World, you can take away my family and my money and all of  my securities, but you will NEVER take away the air that I breathe or the dreams that I dream. My spirit is not in your hands. And at the end of the day that's all I have to hold onto. And it's enough.

(:

My Random Guy List

I'm not sure when it started or why I started it, but there are many silly atributes that I notice about guys because for some reason they are important to me to some degree. Keep in mind that these are just personal preferrences and I in no way HAVE to have all these things. I'll go into detail for you.

1. Beard- I love a nice beard... I find them to be extremely sexy. Go listen to "Beard Lust" by Natalie Portman's Shaved Head to learn more. I suppose it has something to do with them seeming classy and rugged at the same time. They're manly; there's not like any deep philosophical meaning behind this one, really.

2. Left Handed- I'm right handed. My mom is left handed and my dad was right handed. It's just something I've always thought about. When I hear that a guy I have potential with is left handed I think, "Awwww, he could complete me." (:

3. Plays the Violin- Because music has stollen my soul and it's everything to me. The violin is the hardest intrument to learn to play. So, if a guy has taken the time to learn it and master it, then it shows me that he's in love with music, like me, and has a deep apreciation for it.

4. Foreign- Because people of different backgrounds seem to have more chemistry. Don't tell me you don't just completely melt whenever you hear a guy with an accent speak? I'm not picky. Just be someone who's not American.
5. Older than me- Because I grew up early anyways, I need someone who is on the same maturity level as I am. And I'm not gonna get that from someone younger. Heck, I can barely get it from guys my age. I suppose I have pretty high standard when it comes to guys.. But that's a good thing, I think.

6. Youngest or Middle child- Because I'm the oldest and stupid Oprah brainwashed me to think that this is key in any relationship. The guy who she had on there made some really valid points though and I've seen evidence or proof of his theories in my relationships.

7. Comfortable Size- Because feeling comfortable in a relationship is the selling point. I have a tendency to fall for guys that I'm not physically compatible with, and this is a problem. I have to remind myself of this preference a lot more than all the others, because it's really the least important to me at first.

8. Has a Nurse for a Mother- Because they end up knowing a lot about being healthy and common sickness junk. I really think it makes a guy a lot more sensitive to things too, in a weird way... Like they are used to their mom's being stressed people or something, so they can handle it? I'm not sure.

9. Has Crooked Teeth- Because, just like the beard thing, I think it's freakin' sexy. It adds this sense of cookiness and oddness that I seriously crave. It makes someone an individual and separates them from the crowd. And I'll repeat myself, it's just really cute sometimes.

I know there's more and I know it's ridiculous... Lol I'll come back and edit and add more later as it comes to me. Just remember that these are all PREFERENCES, and they really don't mean anything.

My goals in life:

(This will be formated as if I'm telling myself what to do, because that's how I've discovered that it works and sounds best.)

1. Write and publish a short novel
2. Live in every continent
3. Play music on the street for money
4. Be a pirate
5. Fall in love with the man of my dreams
6. Make out with him while sky diving on our honeymoon
7. Get 4 different degrees... Or more(:
8. Don't worry about money, ever; no matter what.
9. Become part of a roller derby (I need you guys to come up with a killer name for me.)
10. Smash a guitar into pieces
11. Tackle a random person in public
12. Make out with a random person in public
13. Dine and Dash
14. Time Travel
15. Have a political debate with the president
16. Live in a vehicle for a year
17. Spend a year in seclusion
18. Get a labtop
19. Master the guitar and bass and standing jazz bass and piano.
20. Climb a sizable mountain
21. Skii a black slope
22. Kiss in the rain
23. Sneak into someone's house and live there unnoticed while they're on vacation.
24. Spend Christmas away from home
25. Skate on a frozen pond
26. Get a tattoo
27. Object at a wedding
28. Object at a funeral
29. Give someone I don't know a house or car
30. Pull a prank that will go down in history
31. Give a speech that will go down in history
32. Open your own store
33. Invent something as useable as a chair
34. Fast and pray for something you feel very strongly about
35. Tell someone you love them with your eyes
36. Buy a deck of fortune telling cards and use them
37. Give a honemade quilt to everyone for Christmas one year
38. Get a dwarf hotot
39. Get a snake
40. Join the circus
41. Be a tenative nun for a month
42. Record an album
43. Be homeless for a week
44. Get a full body wax, just to see what it's like
45. Plant a garden
46. Die with a bang

Gosh, there's so much more that I know I'm not thinking of. Expect this to be one I update and add onto regularly.

This is addressed to the High and Mighty

So, I was getting ready to go babysitting this afternoon, and I drop my brush in the toilet... And of course I say, "shit". And of course my saint of a sister flips. She's like, "WHAT'D YOU SAY?"

So, I'm thinking. I'm thinking that it's not wrong to curse or use a word that might be deemed "inappropriate". It's not wrong at all. You know what's wrong? It's WRONG to obsess over cursing being wrong. It's honest to goodness messed up. Because you know what, if I get ran over and I yell, "INSERT OBSCENITY HERE," and my sister chews me out for having a dirty mouth, I'm gonna be pissed. If people are more worried about what's coming out of my mouth that what's actually going on it my life, then that's MESSED UP. You walk down the hall and you hear someone say, "CURSE WORD". What do you think? "Ohhhhh, bad word!" Or: "Oh, I wonder what's going wrong in that person's life." I do still see where it's wrong to use curse words as adjectives every other word; that's just offensive and unnecessary. But they were originated to indicate strong feeling and get a point across. You can't deny that they do a good job of that. I just think it's like anything else. It goes back to your motives and your heart. If you telling someone, "go eff yourself you mother effing effer, and blahblahblah..." Yeah, probably not okay. Alright, I'm done. I think you see my point. Just a thought.

Sinking Into Complacency

And I've never wanted to be just okay
I've always wanted to lead the way
But here I stand being chased to bay
By my fears that keep my hope away

Swinging softly says my heart
Hanging by a vein that plays its part
"Stay true to yourself and don't hold back
I know it's not easy, but faith you lack."

Call me a failure, tell me I'm done
This life that I'm living I feel like I've run
But when the end you can smell and taste
There's not a moment you should waste

So even if you feel like there's nothing more
And you're weathered, torn, tattered, and sore
Remeber that this race is not to be taken lightly
It's meaningful and impactful, even if only slightly

This is my will.

Here is the reformed version of my death wishes... I didn't really want people reading this, but I guess you can. I just wanted somewhere safe to put it.

So, I've been thinking a lot about what would happen if I died. Great thing to be thinking about at age 16, right? Anyways, I just thought that starting off this thing with my death wishes would kinda be cool? Okay, so it's not. But I want to put them somewhere... Why not here? Kaitlin, as weird as this is, I'm trusting you to enforce these in the case that something does happen to me.

I wish to be cremated. I don't want people looking at my dead carsass. Once I'm dead, that body is not mine anymore, so don't use it to help people dwell on the past, burn it so we can move onto the future. There's a Kimya Dawson song that talks about not being burried that explains how I feel pretty well. I may have to tattoo something on my rear about it like she did. As for the service, I don't really care about it other than, I want it to be creative. Yes, I want a creative funeral. Host it outside if the weather permits. Show vidoes of some of the best times in my life. Have bits of my ashes put into some kind of necklace or bracelet for loved ones to take with them. Whatever, just think outside the box.
If you decide against the jewlery, I wish for my ashes to be divided into small canisters and distributed to important people in my life (because there probably won't be enough for everyone) to do with what they please. The remaining ashes, or the majority or them, I would like to be released on top of a hill at my service.

As for my belongings: I wish for my immediate family and good friends to have whatever they want of mine. You are quite capable of decerning who those people are. As for my money, which right now there's not much of that either, but I wish for it to be saved and divided into equal portions for Jessica's and Kaitlin's children when they hit age 18. If either of you don't have children, which I doubt will happen, or you need the money, then it's yours.

Once married or a mother, I want to entrust everthing to my husband and children, but at this point in my life I've become neither of those. I realize that this is morbid and most likely unnecessary, but it's something that I've always wanted written down somewhere. So, now, here it is.

Sealed:
Rachel Ann Talley