I just walked in

to my family singing hymns in the living room. It's official, I'm no longer one of them. I left this afternoon to go see my dad. We spent the whole afternoon together and I got to meet his maybe girlfriend. Gyros, deep convo, creepy friends of his, and awkward moments between him and david. Overall, wonderful. He taught me a lick from "beat it" on guitar... And I explained in detail the life changes I'm going through. And he gets it. He understands and has gone through the same things. God, I'm so thankful. SO thankful that at least he understands. I just wish the people I have to share a roof with could see it too. But they don't, can't, and won't.

Listening to "Scars" by Allison Iraheta. It's the story of my life...





Good night world,
Rach.

Hey World,

This air that I breathe is more than oxygen. It's life and love and heart and reason and one more thing that is on my side. Hey World, you can take away my family and my money and all of  my securities, but you will NEVER take away the air that I breathe or the dreams that I dream. My spirit is not in your hands. And at the end of the day that's all I have to hold onto. And it's enough.

(:

My Random Guy List

I'm not sure when it started or why I started it, but there are many silly atributes that I notice about guys because for some reason they are important to me to some degree. Keep in mind that these are just personal preferrences and I in no way HAVE to have all these things. I'll go into detail for you.

1. Beard- I love a nice beard... I find them to be extremely sexy. Go listen to "Beard Lust" by Natalie Portman's Shaved Head to learn more. I suppose it has something to do with them seeming classy and rugged at the same time. They're manly; there's not like any deep philosophical meaning behind this one, really.

2. Left Handed- I'm right handed. My mom is left handed and my dad was right handed. It's just something I've always thought about. When I hear that a guy I have potential with is left handed I think, "Awwww, he could complete me." (:

3. Plays the Violin- Because music has stollen my soul and it's everything to me. The violin is the hardest intrument to learn to play. So, if a guy has taken the time to learn it and master it, then it shows me that he's in love with music, like me, and has a deep apreciation for it.

4. Foreign- Because people of different backgrounds seem to have more chemistry. Don't tell me you don't just completely melt whenever you hear a guy with an accent speak? I'm not picky. Just be someone who's not American.
5. Older than me- Because I grew up early anyways, I need someone who is on the same maturity level as I am. And I'm not gonna get that from someone younger. Heck, I can barely get it from guys my age. I suppose I have pretty high standard when it comes to guys.. But that's a good thing, I think.

6. Youngest or Middle child- Because I'm the oldest and stupid Oprah brainwashed me to think that this is key in any relationship. The guy who she had on there made some really valid points though and I've seen evidence or proof of his theories in my relationships.

7. Comfortable Size- Because feeling comfortable in a relationship is the selling point. I have a tendency to fall for guys that I'm not physically compatible with, and this is a problem. I have to remind myself of this preference a lot more than all the others, because it's really the least important to me at first.

8. Has a Nurse for a Mother- Because they end up knowing a lot about being healthy and common sickness junk. I really think it makes a guy a lot more sensitive to things too, in a weird way... Like they are used to their mom's being stressed people or something, so they can handle it? I'm not sure.

9. Has Crooked Teeth- Because, just like the beard thing, I think it's freakin' sexy. It adds this sense of cookiness and oddness that I seriously crave. It makes someone an individual and separates them from the crowd. And I'll repeat myself, it's just really cute sometimes.

I know there's more and I know it's ridiculous... Lol I'll come back and edit and add more later as it comes to me. Just remember that these are all PREFERENCES, and they really don't mean anything.

My goals in life:

(This will be formated as if I'm telling myself what to do, because that's how I've discovered that it works and sounds best.)

1. Write and publish a short novel
2. Live in every continent
3. Play music on the street for money
4. Be a pirate
5. Fall in love with the man of my dreams
6. Make out with him while sky diving on our honeymoon
7. Get 4 different degrees... Or more(:
8. Don't worry about money, ever; no matter what.
9. Become part of a roller derby (I need you guys to come up with a killer name for me.)
10. Smash a guitar into pieces
11. Tackle a random person in public
12. Make out with a random person in public
13. Dine and Dash
14. Time Travel
15. Have a political debate with the president
16. Live in a vehicle for a year
17. Spend a year in seclusion
18. Get a labtop
19. Master the guitar and bass and standing jazz bass and piano.
20. Climb a sizable mountain
21. Skii a black slope
22. Kiss in the rain
23. Sneak into someone's house and live there unnoticed while they're on vacation.
24. Spend Christmas away from home
25. Skate on a frozen pond
26. Get a tattoo
27. Object at a wedding
28. Object at a funeral
29. Give someone I don't know a house or car
30. Pull a prank that will go down in history
31. Give a speech that will go down in history
32. Open your own store
33. Invent something as useable as a chair
34. Fast and pray for something you feel very strongly about
35. Tell someone you love them with your eyes
36. Buy a deck of fortune telling cards and use them
37. Give a honemade quilt to everyone for Christmas one year
38. Get a dwarf hotot
39. Get a snake
40. Join the circus
41. Be a tenative nun for a month
42. Record an album
43. Be homeless for a week
44. Get a full body wax, just to see what it's like
45. Plant a garden
46. Die with a bang

Gosh, there's so much more that I know I'm not thinking of. Expect this to be one I update and add onto regularly.

This is addressed to the High and Mighty

So, I was getting ready to go babysitting this afternoon, and I drop my brush in the toilet... And of course I say, "shit". And of course my saint of a sister flips. She's like, "WHAT'D YOU SAY?"

So, I'm thinking. I'm thinking that it's not wrong to curse or use a word that might be deemed "inappropriate". It's not wrong at all. You know what's wrong? It's WRONG to obsess over cursing being wrong. It's honest to goodness messed up. Because you know what, if I get ran over and I yell, "INSERT OBSCENITY HERE," and my sister chews me out for having a dirty mouth, I'm gonna be pissed. If people are more worried about what's coming out of my mouth that what's actually going on it my life, then that's MESSED UP. You walk down the hall and you hear someone say, "CURSE WORD". What do you think? "Ohhhhh, bad word!" Or: "Oh, I wonder what's going wrong in that person's life." I do still see where it's wrong to use curse words as adjectives every other word; that's just offensive and unnecessary. But they were originated to indicate strong feeling and get a point across. You can't deny that they do a good job of that. I just think it's like anything else. It goes back to your motives and your heart. If you telling someone, "go eff yourself you mother effing effer, and blahblahblah..." Yeah, probably not okay. Alright, I'm done. I think you see my point. Just a thought.

Sinking Into Complacency

And I've never wanted to be just okay
I've always wanted to lead the way
But here I stand being chased to bay
By my fears that keep my hope away

Swinging softly says my heart
Hanging by a vein that plays its part
"Stay true to yourself and don't hold back
I know it's not easy, but faith you lack."

Call me a failure, tell me I'm done
This life that I'm living I feel like I've run
But when the end you can smell and taste
There's not a moment you should waste

So even if you feel like there's nothing more
And you're weathered, torn, tattered, and sore
Remeber that this race is not to be taken lightly
It's meaningful and impactful, even if only slightly

This is my will.

Here is the reformed version of my death wishes... I didn't really want people reading this, but I guess you can. I just wanted somewhere safe to put it.

So, I've been thinking a lot about what would happen if I died. Great thing to be thinking about at age 16, right? Anyways, I just thought that starting off this thing with my death wishes would kinda be cool? Okay, so it's not. But I want to put them somewhere... Why not here? Kaitlin, as weird as this is, I'm trusting you to enforce these in the case that something does happen to me.

I wish to be cremated. I don't want people looking at my dead carsass. Once I'm dead, that body is not mine anymore, so don't use it to help people dwell on the past, burn it so we can move onto the future. There's a Kimya Dawson song that talks about not being burried that explains how I feel pretty well. I may have to tattoo something on my rear about it like she did. As for the service, I don't really care about it other than, I want it to be creative. Yes, I want a creative funeral. Host it outside if the weather permits. Show vidoes of some of the best times in my life. Have bits of my ashes put into some kind of necklace or bracelet for loved ones to take with them. Whatever, just think outside the box.
If you decide against the jewlery, I wish for my ashes to be divided into small canisters and distributed to important people in my life (because there probably won't be enough for everyone) to do with what they please. The remaining ashes, or the majority or them, I would like to be released on top of a hill at my service.

As for my belongings: I wish for my immediate family and good friends to have whatever they want of mine. You are quite capable of decerning who those people are. As for my money, which right now there's not much of that either, but I wish for it to be saved and divided into equal portions for Jessica's and Kaitlin's children when they hit age 18. If either of you don't have children, which I doubt will happen, or you need the money, then it's yours.

Once married or a mother, I want to entrust everthing to my husband and children, but at this point in my life I've become neither of those. I realize that this is morbid and most likely unnecessary, but it's something that I've always wanted written down somewhere. So, now, here it is.

Sealed:
Rachel Ann Talley