Here goes nothing...

I'm letting go of who I used to be
I'm letting go of things I want to see
I'm letting go of people's expectations
I'm letting go of meaningless, vain frustrations

Lol, alright. I'm done. I'll come back and add to that later I guess. I need some blog time. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This week has been insane. I'm so tired. I need some serious rest. Yoga? Yes. I told Mrs. Queen that I'd sit with her at the game. (: Lol I love that woman so much. I don't care what people say; she's amazing. Eeeeeeek! Tomorrow! It's tomorrow. I'm so extremely exited. CRAP! I have to go roll my hair. Hahaha, I'm gonna have to have some sleeping pills tonight.

BYE

P.S. My version of love the way you lie is going to be incredible. I'm excited. (:

Do you want to know why I blog?

Writing is a huge part of my life. In a nutshell, that's it. I love writing with all my heart, but most of the time (whether it be for the paper, or for a class, or in a note for someone else, or whatever it may be for) I feel the need to be extremely nit picky about what it looks like and how it reads. Not that I don't feel the need to be like that here, it's just that I don't have to. Here, I am because I want to. In my mind, there's a HUGE difference there. Additionally, I like talking to people. I like trying to manipulate my image into what I want it to look like, and if I have no one to project that image to, then really, what's the use? You know? I get excited about what's going on in my life; it's important to me. It may not be to you, and that's fine. I'm coming to the point at which I don't particularly like hiding who I know that I am. However, that doesn't mean that I can't moderate how I behave when I need to. I hate dumb situations. I'm getting off track, which perfectly leads into my next point. I don't have to keep myself on track. I can be as random as I please, when I blog. Most of the time, outside of my world of blogging, I feel uncomfortable with being my cooky random self. I feel as if I have to reign in all of my absurdness. Here, not at all! I can jump from one thing to the next and you can't say a... Do you feel like you're in a movie sometimes? I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside sometimes. I love those moments.

My head is getting ready to explode, and there's like one person who is on the verge of setting me off, and another on the verge of breaking me down.

Life is gloriously unstopping.
Sleep pretty, fellow blog lovers.
(:

I realized this evening that I have a terrible addiction.

I've realized that I'm very much so addicted to solitude. I knew that I thrived off of it before, but now I know that it behaves and breathes like an addiction. The more I'm alone, the more I want to be alone. The longer I'm alone, the harder it is to be around people again. And the more space I have to be alone (example: having the whole house to myself vs. having to go to my room), the more intensely I can become myself. Revelation: (You know, this is why I blog, because when I disect what I type I discover things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise.) Maybe that's how I'll know when I've found "the right guy". Maybe I'll know when I can feel like I'm in solitude with him, when I can be myself as much with him as I can be by myself, when he holds me without sufficating me, when he smuthers me fittingly... Wow.

Running through my lines this evening was an event. I went straight through, successfully not looking, and afterwards was plunged into a valley of tears so deep that my mother conceeded to letting me skip church. I'm chalking it up to PMS, however, I've gathered a new respect and reverence for actors and my acting ability after that little melt down. It is such an emotionally exhausting exercize, yet so very worth it.

When is the rough draft due? That's a great question to be asking 30 hours (I will be forever cursed by the term "naked numbers".) from class time. The one class I had homework in, got neglected, but for very understandable reasons. I'm really excited about this essay, actually. I'm more excited about cider house rules though. I have to forcfully carve out time to make a noticable dent in that book this week. I love it. **Sucks back what was almost typed** I will save those rantings for their designated blog. HOWEVER!
Hehehe(: I feel like such a cheeseball for loving this show with the intensity that I do, but GLEE started last week. Have you seen it yet? Have you? OH, my Lord, it brought me to tears. It always does. I've missed it immensely.

Off to do more reading, following some english, I suppose.
Goodnight, Lovely Readers.

"Do you know what I'm going to do now? Do you have ANY idea?" -Roy

I'm going to look up information on concurrent enrollment and online high school classes because "a certian teacher" is driving me insane (and I drive myself insane plenty; I don't need her help) and I can't learn a foriegn language in the environment that I'm in now (God bless Mr. Wakeman). Yeah. So, there's that. Also, I'm going to finish my layout for the notebook order form. I'm excited. OH! And can't forget: I'm going to take a long, hot, luxerious, candle-lit, bubble bath and then paint my toes. AND THEN, I'm going to attempt to finish memorizing my lines. I have a long night ahead of me. I'm pumped. Ha, I probably should include the homework I have to do in this list... But... I'm going with stuco tomorrow; I don't necessarily care. (:

"Average"

I know that I'm doing daily entries in my blog below this, but I needed a new canvas to paint on for this. I feel so cursed by the word "average". If you see me and know me at all, you know that I love the odd and extraordinary. Ordinary, average... These things aren't for me. Yet, there are so many things in my life that confine me to these descriptions. Also, (and you may not see this as something that needs to be referred to with an also, but I do) I gravitate toward "weird people". I like them and and admire them and find them much, much more interesting than "normal" people. However, I don't feel like I belong with them. I don't feel that I'm welcome or that I fit in, which is totally backwards... But that's exactly how it is. You see? I don't like video games. (Typical) I'm making B's in half of my classes. (Average) I come from devorsed parents. (Typical) I have brown hair and eyes. (Ordinary) And, what I'm mainly uneased about, I've never been in a relationship for more than two months. (Extremely Average) Surveys indicate that the average high school relationship lasts for... OH YEAH! Two months. Surprise. Maybe I shouldn't be concerned. I mean, it doesn't mean that I couldn't handle a relationship for longer than that. Does it? I don't think so, but I also don't know, and I hate that. It's just really bugging me right now. I don't feel like I "belong" anywhere. I mean, at times, I do. But not always, gentle reader. Not always. (Andrea, if you ever read this; yes, I stole that from you. Lol(; )

Random thought #1: I'm so desperate for winter. (:

Random thought #2: Boys are dumb. (Except for that they aren't.)

"The Cider House Rules" (Concrete vs. Jello) P.S. This will be updated daily-ish.

9.13.10
I have experienced and connected with too much of love and life to except any set standard of what I should and shouldn't believe. The depths and heights of seemingly simple issues are far too great and too complex for me to claim to understand and have a stance on. In my mind, putting yourself in any one concrete place paints you as a fool on one plane or another. So, then, would it not be the wiser option to obstain from placing one's self in any kind of belief system all together? When there is no right or wrong answer, why do we feel the need to answer at all? If there is no correct answer, wouldn't that in turn mean that any answer at all is incorrect? Maybe it's that people define themselves and find there worth in what they believe. People put themselves in the position to be defined by what they believe instead of by who they really are. This, to me, is a sad mistake. I'm not discrediting having beliefs, because, yes, I have mine. All I'm suggesting is that making concrete decisions about things that are more like jello perhaps gets in the way of what's really important. And what's really important?... Well, I won't get concrete about that. (:


I'm going to read The Cider House Rules. Which, I might add, inspired this blog. Just remember: nothing is one sided.

9.14.10
This blog was originally a mere thought inspired by The Cider House Rules. I'm now going to turn it into a series of thoughts because it's a very multifaceted book over an extremely multifaceted subject. So, I'll be posting my thoughts and reactions to this book daily. If you haven't read the book and plan to, you may not want to read all of this. Also, if you're going to hate me for my views on this sensitive issue, you may not want to read it either.

I walked into this book with a pretty solid belief that abortion (as a general rule) is wrong. Meaning that for me, personally, I would never have an abortion. It's just not in me to do something like that. However, I have never been blind to the uncontrolable circumstances that happen to rise every now and again. For some, I do believe it to be an exceptable option. And it all goes back to your motives, just like everything else does. I don't believe that a mother should abort her unborn child for selfish reasons, but if the mother truly believes that having her child would be a tortuous and painful for all involved, I don't see the harm in trying to prevent that kind of brokenness. Towards the very beginning of the novel, Irving writes, "For whom did some minds insist that babies, even clearly unwanted ones, must be brought, screaming, into the world?" If you've ever read this novel, you know that he speaks volumes of the brokenness that the would-have-been-mother goes through, as well. You see? This isn't light. This topic hurts and pains itself through to the core. I know that to fully touch the heart of this novel, I'll have to read it more than once, and really, that's why I'm doing this. I feel like documenting my thoughts on it will help me process it and digest it more effectively. So, till tomorrow. (:

9.15.10
I actually haven't had any time to read a single word of my book today. However, I'm still going to post something. I want to talk about this, or rather blog about how this makes me feel and what it makes me think about, every day. My mind needs it in order to wrap itself around this. Topic on the mind: death. My Pappaw has been diagnosed with cancer today. Severe. Cancer. Today, abortion seems cruel. (I love how my heart confuses my mind. Let me tell you, it's grand...) Think about it: the baby being aborted could possibly be the next Martin Luther King, or Oprah(like we need more of her), but you know what I mean. No person, or potential person should be denied life, especially when they have no say in the matter. Denying someone the chance to live before they ever have a say in the matter... That's cruel. Plan and simple. At the same time, I can see where it's a little bit crazy. The baby hasn't been born yet. It has no memory of this tiny existance. I mean, okay. Guys, this is gross. If you're not comfortable with girl stuff, stop reading. Alright, when I first started my period I always felt bad for the unfertilized eggs, potential babies, running though my system. Crazy right? Seriously though, I was brought to tears on a number of occations. Hysterical. Ridiculous. Unrealistic. Yes, it was all of these things. However, it still... Was. You know? I feel like there are very few people who can actually connect with and understand what I'm saying. Half the time, I don't even finish my thought. The other half the time, my thought is totally and completely off the wall. THE END(of today).

9.17.10
Sadness. I didn't get to post yesterday. Or read. Crap. This is why I don't read: because I seriously don't have the time for it. But, I am going to be consistent with this blog. Blogging is my method of survival. Today was superb. Slept in. Went shopping with the best friend. Played Newcastle and saw so many people that I've really missed. Now, I'm home, blogging, and listening to pandora. I'm going to get my issues finished up tonight and maybe break into some of my homework. OH my gosh! Haha(: I got some of theeee best pictures at the game! I'm so excited. Anyways, wow. Okay, so dreams are pretty confusing things. That one the other night did nothing for my sanity. I'm gonna burst pretty soon if I don't get this situation under control. My favorite quote right now is, "Sanity is wasted on the insane." I saw this shirt the other day that I thought was pretty clever, but not completely relavent. It said: "I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." Which is definately a good point. Here is another factor on the subject of abortion that I've come to face: if you believe in fate, as I do, then you must believe that when a child is aborted, whether it be right or wrong, that's what's supposed to happen; you can't fight fate and there is a reason behind it. You know? Maybe I'll just forget about everything else I wanted to do and go read my book until I fall asleep. That sounds good. (: Or maybe I just won't sleep tonight and do it all because I can... This one's a long'n! Lol, night.

Gargle.

Gargle. Goop. Grind. Group.
Blame. Shame. Stand. Stoop.
Lick. Love. Loser. Ladder.
Shut. Sick. Sever. Shatter.

Keep. Kick. Keen. Kept.
See. Slip. Sing. Swept.
Pick. Place. Pass. Pace.
Clap. Cave. Cove. Case.

Art. Act. All. Apt.
Tick. Tock. Toe. Tapt.
Feel. Felt. Flip. Fall.
Heel. Hole. Hop. Hall.

Vote. Veil. Vast. Vow.
Weak. Worry. Woops. Wow.
Neat. Nest. Nurture. Next.
Teal. Turkey. Top. Text.

Quick. Quite. Quit. Queen.
Bit. Bitten. Bite. Bean.
Rip. Robe. Real. Read.
Divine. Deep. Dead. Deed.

Let's break down the crazy, shall we?

In my mind I hear a shot, I hope and pray that I'm caught. Never open, never spoken, what should I think? Barriers build themselves and break down my cells. My mind is gone and you are gone. Where are we now? We are turning; we are living, but not living where we long. How long, my dear, will you cling tight to your fear? Irrational, fantastical, I'll be standing here. Hearts are hilarious things to hear. Bear down on your secrets until they condense into tiny maggots that eat through your splints. I've dealt with supression, and still to this day, I deal with the lesson that my heart leads the way. Never offended, ever being lended, how else can we spend it, because we know she will rend it.

Nothing is what you think.

"Now that I've found someone, I'm feeling more alone."

Ben Folds makes my senses go, "Ahhh..."

I know, I know:

I'm only sixteen. However, I've already got baby fever. It's going to be a long time before I'm at that point in my life. Trust me. I want to live my life selfishly and independently first. It's going to be a long while. How long is long, though? Like, what? 5-9 years? Realistically, that's not too long. So, I'm going to share my baby names and desires for children. You know? I think everyone, no matter who they are, longs to be a parent; whether they'd ever admit that or not. (:

For my first child, or my boy child (unfortunately, I can't make sure those go together. Well, I could; but I won't.), I'm naming him: Daxton Abolafia.

And for my second child, or my girl child, I'm naming her: Talley Capri.

Cute right? Yeah, I think so too.




Ha, I know a lot of this stuff really isn't all that interesting, or maybe it is, but it's a different kind of interesting, and for that I'm sorry. I wish all the stuff I wrote all the time was full of juicy goodness and complex words that spin off of eachother. That's simply not the case though. I use this thing as my personal record of things happening in my life, and sometimes that includes somewhat dry things. So, endure for the juice if you like, but know that this really is more like my diary.

G'night bloggers<3
P.S. I have a very irrational crush... (: